My mate’s health is deteriorating – certainly one of his issues. I’ve had to get some assistance to do a chore he once could do. He is verbal in how he feels and that is an energy I cannot sustain or take in. I wish to god I knew someone who would step in and take over and help him because I am out of ideas, options and energy to help. I pray, but, you know how that goes – hit or miss here – enough gets answered so we will hold on and have faith – but I know as well as all of you that we don’t get close to what we need, want and deserve.
And my daughter? She’s close to becoming numb with it all. Is it asking too much to find a real IN PERSON friend for her in which to play? OF COURSE NOT! I feel I am losing everything. Days like today – I feel powerless and detached. I keep getting pushed to the point of breaking. I can only go through that so many times…….
I am weary of the stewpid and I am absolutely positively done with getting radiated by the insanely stupid fake twats. Their lack of oxygen has made them next to impossible to deal with or hold any sort of conversation. I had that experience today. After trying to have a very basic conversation I finally threw up my arms, looked around and asked if there were any real humans left and told the person if they removed their damn mask perhaps we could get somewhere in the conversing.
And then when I left the place? insert hysterical laughter: after i returned my cart – lololol – i heard – lolol – “make sure to wipe that down because she used it”.
O M F G. Yeah – me the unmasked, unjabbed pure f’ing blood am the problem and one to fear.
GET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In short: I cannot take it here anymore. The struggle. Each time I get to this place and rise back up again, I lose a bit of myself – that strength. I don’t care about humanity as a whole – I care about the people in this house – especially my child – and those I consider part of my tribe (scattered here and there). In this war – I am willing to lose the whole to spare those I care for. And I won’t apologize for having that thought. Anyone who would take issue with this can plop themselves here and go through what I do day in and day out. Days like today? Yeah, they push me to give up (and scream while I’m doing it).
But I don’t.
And I won’t.
But damn – if I have to start screaming and raging and commanding some f’ing answers and help – REAL help – so be it. Being in my heart space – 24/7 – not possible. Don’t know anyone – now especially – who can walk that one – honestly. This war – the experience here – is changing me – threatening to – and I don’t like it.
Going to find some sort of escape now to drown out the noise – which now that’s about all I am seeing and hearing is noise. Heartland. There is drama but there is also a lot of love and consistent support there. We all need that to survive because no one makes it and makes it well here without that.
Love,
V.
******
