Thanks to my mate for divinely finding & sharing this – without my knowledge – without knowing what I watched tonight or what message my heart received.  

I watched The Faith Healer tonight ~ Season 6.  A charismatic Evangelical Preacher visits Walnut Grove, after being invited by Mrs. Oleson, who allegedly has the ability to Heal (hands on).  There are people of course who have that ability but tonight – red flags begin to be revealed about this Preacher.  The crowds he attracts inside his huge outdoor tent far out-number Reverend Alden’s weekly Sunday congregation in that little white Schoolhouse.  In time ~ Reverend Alden is approached by this new Preacher with the request the two share the Church space.  The Reverend refuses.  In short time, his congregation has gone down to just two families and Doc Baker.  So with hurting and heavy heart, he hastily decides to leave Walnut Grove.  When Pa attempts to speak with him, asking him to reconsider at least sharing the space, the Reverend fires back.  Pa realizes this is about the Reverend’s pride – which the Reverend emotionally acknowledges is true – God help him.

Within days, it is discovered the Preacher simply has hired actors showing these alleged healings.  This information is shared with the people of Walnut Grove – who confront the Preacher, ending his healing gigs – at least in Walnut Grove.  Reverend Alden stays on and delivers an emotional, humbling service that following Sunday.  He admits when he was younger, he imagined himself doing God’s work in front of large crowds in a huge, beautiful church.  Little did he know, he was instead called/guided to be a Simple Preacher in a small town, inside of a small church.  He admitted to being envious of this flashy Preacher.  Being “challenged” in the way he was with the presence of this new Preacher, he felt he couldn’t compete.  And yet in his own way he realizes ~ he remembers ~ competition isn’t Godly.  Service isn’t about competition.  You hear the calling and you just serve and let God do the rest.  The right people will show up.

I thought about this site and my own journey – not just the past 5 years but the past 20 plus years of writing and sharing my truth as I see and feel it.  At times I’ve wanted one of those “big congregations/big pulpits”.  At times I’ve been envious of those who have the big audience and make the big dollars.  And yet ~ like Reverend Alden ~ when I have those moments of envy, I remember why I do what I do.  I remember where it all started: as a calling from my Heart.  That calling is still there.  It’s what pushes me when I feel “I’m too tired – I’m done – I can’t do this anymore”.  And I know I have something special that perhaps some of these bigger/flashier people don’t have:  intimate, real connections with my little group of people who read, share, support.  Many of you have become close friends and we talk regularly.  And THAT is where the real gift is for me.

Love,

Victoria

I don’t feel any movement.  Last night I reached this place of detachment from everything here.  Felt my “mission” (whatever that really is) is complete.  Or perhaps the better term is HOW I am doing things and WHAT I am doing is over.  And I am left with nothing but an empty feeling.  Body hurts.  Discouraged.  Mostly what I see is good people standing firm and getting physically attacked – with no one to step up and stop the physical assaults.  I mean come on – people getting radiated and burned – but the focus remains on being peaceful?

When does evil ever comply with a request?

Where is this alleged “good” military?

I’m tired of it all.

Tired of sharing my heart and ideas in a search to build some sense of community.

Tired of the 30 plus years I’ve devoted to searching the truth and sharing it.

It hasn’t had that much of an impact.

It certainly hasn’t contributed to ENDING any of the evil and corruption.

Mostly what it’s done is created a lot of heartache and grief – and loneliness – and allowed me to connect with other “crazies” – pretty much feeling the same.

I don’t know where to go.

I don’t know how to make more money.

I don’t know what to do different.

It is truly the same show – same experience – different day.

And I am tapped out of answers to change my personal experience in the way I need and want.  I’ve searched – asked for guidance from Higher Self and beyond – asked for human help – NOTHING.

It really is about this now – until something shifts and until I no longer have to:

Now – just U G H.

V.