I had a very challenging night last night. I cried a lot – but that did not remove the anxiety and heaviness I felt. It was an accumulation of “NO! I HAVE HAD IT! I AM DONE! LET ME BE! LET MY FAMILY BE!” feels and energies and experience.
I have dealt with one big issue for decades – agoraphobia. That is just a fancy label for someone prone to anxiety and panic in any environment in which one feels unsafe or trapped. I am also highly sensitive so that has made it more challenging to “warrior up” and do and be me. I can do that when I need to but to be honest, the more I have awakened, the more challenging that has become.
To see and thus feel the brevity of evil we have all been enslaved under – little drips of intel and info I have discovered over the last 25 years or so – it has taken a toll on me as I know it has on all of us to varying degrees.
I admire those who can go out into the world each day and do and be among the insanity. I have never been able to do that for long before exhaustion kicks in.
When I woke up this morning, my hands were itching. Eczema. I call them my emotional bumps of “fed up/done”. No coincidence I get these experiences when I am caught off guard with something difficult. I was also trembling so I buried myself under the covers and cried it out – got up and unlike most days when I essentially tell myself to “warrior up and do girl” – I am just letting myself be this way. Why lie to myself and dismiss that inner experience by painting some hardened lead over myself?
I go to my phone and see one of you had contacted me saying you didn’t know how much more you had to give. More tears flowed over not just the validation but the depth of how this experience is leaving so many of us feeling.
I am done with being told to suck it up and warrior it up and do. You don’t tell victims to do that. You don’t tell beings stuck in a world they don’t wish to do that.
I keep saying that we have all been victims here and love is supportive of that. I know at times it is necessary to stand firm when no one else is around to offer support – but sometimes there are those moments of collapse. And I am having such an experience of that now.
Still waiting to hear if someone can represent my mate and fight back this local nazi institute. And I am still waiting to find some local family with children our girls age who see through the bullshit and want to see kids playing together again. Organize and bring back activities. We adults can make up for this experience of imposition – but our children cannot. And that brings out a deep rage and pain.
How are all of you doing today? I haven’t “dove in” to see the happenings – but I don’t really have to do that these days. Until this crap is over, I will continue to feel and experience it – no matter how many mantra’s of protection I do. We are Human – not robots. We cannot be programmed not to feel this. Perhaps in the end, that’s what separates us from the rest.
Love,
Victoria
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Thank you all for your support!
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