what an absolutely odd nights rest. up until almost 5am – a lot of anxiety. i went to bed early after doing a couple of meditations. took cbd oil. slept for maybe an hour and then was awake. i tossed. did deep breathing. self talk. nothing was working. so i let myself just be….in bed with anxiety and essentially feeling like crap. around 4:30am i got up, returned to bed and discovered my mate was awake and had been having the same experience. couldn’t sleep. anxiety.
as i just observed this otherwise unpleasant situation, i was able to fall asleep.
the grief is still coming in waves and all i honestly wish to do now is cocoon myself and rest. sleep. i have had a thought/feel for over 2 years that the closer we get to “it” – the more i will want to sleep. never thought perhaps that could be due to grieving the loss of someone. doesn’t matter what thoughts i create on this situation – the truth is we miss him. period.
speaking of our adopted grandpa, we are about done going through his stuff – well at least picking out anything we want to keep. that has been an emotional challenge. many emotions. we have laughed and remembered – and after that experience, we feel that heaviness kick in. just sadness.
his children have been so wonderful in keeping us involved in all of this. as one said yesterday “you were his chosen family.” chosen families have that extra specialness. one of his daughter’s is making a box for us – a collection of all of the cards, pictures and drawing’s done by our child we had given to him over the years. he kept it all. the importance of that is not lost with any of us.
the weather seems to match the “mood” in my space. well – a collective of people here in town i should say. many seem to be really challenged ~ allison coe wrote of this as well in her recent video. i sure hope others will begin to question the notion of contracts – how we agree w/loved ones before coming here that one will die in order to awaken the other. etc. etc. that is of course part of their narrative. who would ever set forth to create intentional trauma (other than some entity who desires to see others suffer)? especially that of ones child. ugh. those who speak of “loss is an illusion” and “be thankful for the time you had” and other such heartless nonsense – well i wonder how they would respond if the grieving parent said back: “ok i cancel this contract then. YOU can have that with YOUR child instead. i want my child back!” would the other parent agree to such an agreement? of course not. seriously people need some red pilling right now on loss and grief. i am seeing this hugely right now and i am not remaining quiet when others say “don’t be angry” and coldness. for that is cold. detached. even before i was “awake” – i knew what grief was. never did get that part of the new age movement.
anyway – i left a comment gently stating i hope others who still align w/this narrative to at least consider maybe it isn’t Truth. at least not OUR truth.
song messages of the day – back to back – “and the sky opens” followed by “this all ends”.
what does bring in comfort is knowing our adopted grandpa watches over us. we are seeing this – feeling and experiencing it. our water bill jumped up to $170 (yes – $170) and i realized it was because we have had a running toilet that, as i have been pointing out, had recently increased in its running. too occupied w/latest life stuff to deal with it – kept saying yes we need to address that. anyway – so my mate was able to find the replacement valve kit in grandpa’s belongings. the man had 2-3 of just about everything. so we are thankful for that although don’t quite know how we’re going to swing that water bill next month. as always, donations are welcome and needed. or items i create/sell can be purchased which i usually link below my personal pieces.
all of this being said – while we are thankful for his protection – we would give back all of the “stuff” just to have him back again for another hug and conversation.
for now – we grieve. that has shown up for me as itching and a rash. it began days after we learned his diagnosis was terminal. i can see my energy vessel within is completely full and all it takes is one little challenge and i feel myself bursting inside. i know i have reached my zenith with life now. so i am focused on releasing what is stored within me via counseling and guided meditations/release. all i know to “do” is to care for myself as i would a child for that is how fragile and vulnerable i am right now. i ran on fumes long enough in an attempt to convince myself i could do this alone – i could carry all i was undertaking and having to deal with. it did become too much. this notion that life doesn’t bring you more than you can handle is nonsense.
but what i do know – is that Love does find a way through the muck of this lower energetic realm – and brings forth a gift of kindness. comfort. and for those moments, i remain deeply grateful.
love,
victoria
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