Today was the day of my mate’s big doctor appointment.  It was months in coming and the goal was to get him some much needed referral’s to some specialists as well as some necessary scans and labs.  We were both agitated in the days leading up to the appointment.  For my mate, it was going back to a system that does not recognize the disease in his body and that has also been, at times, grossly negligent in their care of him….. and for me, it was a return to another doctor and hearing the fairly comprehensive list of health concerns knowing all that I know about real cures, repressed tech and dealing with something archaic and primitive.  In a nutshell – having to keep my mouth shut when I want to say “you know what he has.  you refuse to acknowledge or properly treat him.  grow some balls/tits and stand up to the system that controls you!”  Having been through this many times over the last 10 plus years, we were both, for our own reasons, feeling that internal pressure.  It was also having to admit some defeat as we had made a pact about the local hospital system – we would never go back – not just due to ethical reasons but due to his improving health at the time.

I was having some flashbacks of previous visits (prior to his diagnosis) – cried some old tears.  Those visits that left me pleading with the doctors to help me know why his health was fading and they offered no real cause other than chronic inflammation and pain with no known cause.  When it came to the point where the medical system was implying he was abusing the system and his condition was “in his head”, that’s when I lost it and said I could not return to this system of medicine.  My mate agreed – he couldn’t do it either – so for the past 3-4 years he has been on the natural/chinese medicine route.  By 2017 he was doing pretty well – certainly stabilized.  Since that time, the formula has slowly stopped working, symptoms increasing, headache pain unbearable some days, so we knew he had to, at the very least, return to see how things are going on within – especially the tumor in his brain.  That absolutely has to be monitored for growth, especially given the location (behind his right eye).

So……….We both had a plan prior to the visit – what would be shared – what we were willing to accept and not accept.  We would be open while discerning and assertive and we were willing to walk out if his wishes were not followed and his concerns heard.  You never know with a new doctor.

I intended for things to go his way.  I did slow, focused, deep breathing. Then let it go as we headed to the appointment.

It was a difficult visit at times but overall I am grateful to report this new doctor was very receptive to his concerns.  We didn’t mention the Lyme – we know the controversy – we know they aren’t allowed to recognize the diagnosis because of the lab used (which is THE go-to lab for all lyme medical doctors – recognized lyme docs that is).  We know medical doctors lose their licenses for treating their patients for chronic lyme.  And we know that no medical doctor in our area treats chronic lyme.  So…..Today we didn’t even bring it up, which was the part of the plan.  He got what he wanted and that is what matters.  And I was there to make sure he stayed focused.  He has trauma of his own with all of this and coupled with his cognitive issues, such visits can be really challenging for him.  So between the two of us, as always, we got ‘er done. Mission accomplished.

Prior to seeing the doctor, we were surprised by a quick little psych evaluation that was brought into the room.  We were told it had to be filled out before we saw the doctor.  Didn’t like that comment one bit for obvious reasons.  I glanced over it….It appeared to be fishing for info and I was not comfortable with him filling it out.  It essentially wanted to know if you experienced any type of depression due to your physical condition.  Well of course he does – who wouldn’t?  It just felt “off” to me so I finally just filled it out for him (with his consent) and circled “not at all” to each damn question.  At the end of the visit, the doctor returned to the room with concerns about how the questionnaire was filled out.  She began to press him on his mental state and I interjected and told her I was going to be honest with her.  I said his previous doctor, at his last doctor visit, had the hospital psych team come into the room without his consent or knowledge and press him into getting a psych analysis due TO his “depressed” state due TO his health issues.  I was not there with him at the time – he had a caregiver who went who didn’t do a damn thing.  If I had been there, I would have indeed spoken up.  So I told her I was not going to allow him to undergo such treatment.  I made it clear when he feels good, his mood is up.  When he doesn’t, his mood is low.  NORMAL BEHAVIOR, I stated firmly. I said if I was worried about his mental state in terms of suicidal type behavior I would have already said something to someone.  She accepted my answer and we were on our way.

If such situations weren’t so stressful, I would be very effective as a patient advocate.  However, because being in these situations knowing cures for all disease exists and I am in the face of so much ignorance, I would burn out quickly.  But for now, I continue to make sure my mate gets the respect he deserves and the treatment he requests.

How many visits will I take him to?  I don’t know.  This one knocked me down energetically.  Being in that room and going through the “procedure” of the system is a huge challenge – for both of us.  Being “pc” anything doesn’t align with me energetically.  Not that it ever has but it used to be much easier for me to do.  Today it impacts me and so I have to do something with that energy.  Thankful for my punching bag.  [wp-svg-icons icon=”smiley” wrap=”i”]

And where is all of this leading?  I don’t know.  I keep intending for the release of the med beds or the event.  Deep deep sigh with this one.  I am worn from taking things one day at a time.  I am worn with waiting, with allowing.  Most of you know what I am getting at – the inner burning desire for Home and to Live/Create/Be/Do Freely – that we have felt/seen for so many years – to do this NOW ALREADY.  To withhold this from us feels a bit cruel lately- just as much as the withholding of healing tech and healing modalities that are available and are effective but are expensive and not affordable for those of us with limited incomes feels every bit as cruel.  Love does not hide. Love does not withhold.  Love does.  Love acts.  Shares.  Helps without condition or judgment.

That at least continues to be my feel for Love.

So…..Wrapping this piece up for now.  We have company tomorrow – some family as well as the dryer repair man.  We had a couple more $$ hits in the past week.  Bathroom fan stopped working and the dryer stopped heating.

I have faith – as always – and this is the season for miracles.  Here’s to some for me and my family and to all of you as well.  [wp-svg-icons icon=”heart-2″ wrap=”i”]

Much love,

Victoria

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