Driving around tonight,
my daughter noticed a chair sitting along the side of the road.
It’s been there for a few weeks now.
Not a bad little chair.
Still has some life in it.
But no one is interested enough in it to take it home.
Suddenly, seeing that chair tonight, I was hit with emotion.
I feel like that chair.
Like everyone, I have a story behind the tears.
I struggle with agoraphobia, panic, phobias.
I judge myself at times for these issues.
They feel like character flaws.
Logically I know how they developed.
But shame sometimes speaks louder, telling me these challenges make me a bad mother and someone no one would want to be friends with.
Too much of a sensitive heart and nervous system combined with some shitty people and bad choices and far too much abuse, bullying.
Life long.
Earlier today I was told to go find my tribe.
Ouch.
Deep sting with that one.
There was a time in my life where I had a tribe.
A big tribe.
But this Awakening slowly stripped all of that away from me, leaving me to where I am today:
Alone in Oregon.
Not a friend around me.
Daughter added another string tonight when in a moment of frustration and teenage angst, she raised her voice and told me “YOU HAVE NO LIFE”.
No life as in no friends.
Immediately I wanted to defend myself.
It isn’t my fault.
But sitting here now I know – fault isn’t the issue.
It’s just the result of me becoming who I am now.
I’d like a friend.
Someone nearby who I can talk with.
Who meets me where I am.
After covid, I lost what remaining “friends” I had here.
And I’ve never recovered or moved on from that.
Seeing that chair tonight….
That chair spoke to me.
Sitting there in solitude.
Alone.
Unwanted.
Still life left in it.
Waiting.
Hopeful.
Hoping that perhaps someone will see past the faded color, the worn spots
and see the potential.
See the warmth and comfort it can still provide.
For the one with the heart and eyes to see.
That is what I wish for myself.
And for anyone who is now lonely.
💖
Victoria
