Category: Daily Notes

 

 

Today I met with a potential mentor.  It did not turn out the way I had hoped for.

(Good thing I went into this with a fairly neutral perspective.)

However, it did bring me back to a core wound that I wish to expel for good:  NOT BEING HEARD.

I had (and have) clearly stated I need someone to PROMOTE me.

I’m not a sales person.  That is what I need.

I had (and have) clearly stated I need someone who can help me monetize this site.

What came out of me later was intense purging and rage.  How do I ever find peace with the system out there?  How do I actually find it within me to be ok with this pay to live system?

I don’t see how I can achieve this for myself.

At this point I surrender.  Maybe I am giving up.  Who knows.  It is difficult to tell the difference in this moment.  As I told my mate, if I have to live in my car alone because the limited income I do have has to go to creditor’s instead of the rest of my expenses to survive, SO BE IT.

I am literally sick from being kept awake at night over this shit.

I am literally sick inside from the ongoing stress and worry.

I just fucking want someone to fucking promote me and my products.

I just fucking want someone to help me monetize this site.

And why?  I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THESE THINGS in ways that provide the financial success I seek and need.

This is not rocket science here.  (rolling my eyes throwing up arms in frustration)

Most of all I would like someone to step up and actually DO THESE THINGS instead of trying to tell me what THEY think I need.

ENOUGH!

Do people not LISTEN??!!

Do I have something about me that says “Don’t really listen to her words. Instead feel free to inject your OWN perceptions and words of how you think her life SHOULD be.”

And the big question:  Why did the Universe align me with this situation? I clearly stated what I was seeking ~ let it go ~ and this is the result?

Another dead end?

Another space where I am once again on my own with all of this money-making promotion bullshit?

I trust myself.

Is the Universe not to be trusted?

Is it all just a giant game ~ a sucker punch for the most sensitive, the most compassionate, kind people who just want to make a difference in the world AND make a living at it?

I am reading an article about a woman – much like myself.  Except her husband is healthy and makes good money to pay all of their bills.  I could chill and relax if I had that life BUT I DO NOT.  (other than that one part that is triggering me at the moment, it is an awesome piece which i will share)

My mate is disabled and our income is limited and fixed.  The two of us worked yesterday afternoon doing yard work for our neighbor (only because we need the money) and he can barely move today.  I would have done it all only my mate has the ability to prune professionally and I don’t and our neighbor is selective on how his trees/bushes look.

Let me tell you ~ I feel like I have been an underpaid slut for the system and I just am not having it.  Instead of finding peace in this I am finding a growing raging lioness who is saying NO MORE.  As a prisoner in this matrix I DEMAND TO BE RELEASED.

For this is Who I Really Am:

I am deserving and worthy of having a monthly massage.

I am deserving and worthy of having a tutor and part-time nanny for my child.

I am deserving and worthy of having a part-time chef.

I am deserving and worthy of having an energy healer.

I am deserving and worthy of having my hair professionally cut every couple of months (instead of the hack job I must do myself).

I am deserving and worthy of getting a spa treatment when I feel the need.

I am deserving and worthy of having a big house on 5 acres.  Off grid. Complete with food replicator, a hot tub, in the trees, on a quiet road in a small community of like-minded/like-Soul and heart people.

I am deserving and worthy of ALL OF THIS.

And more.

And THAT ~ that is what I put out to my Highest Selves, my multi-dimensional Selves, The Source that is Me and to ALL of the Love Frequencies of the Cosmos.

IT.  IS.  DONE.

 

 

I heard a youtube video last night about a woman who experienced an NDE.  The story behind her NDE was the result of a war-torn horrific bombing incident.  I was with her until she began to speak of the lessons she had to go through, how she said she learned she had agreed to this experience before coming here, how she had created it.  The beings she was speaking to wore dark robes.

AAAHHHHH, I screamed inside.  PLEASE STOP AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!

Contracts?  Agreements?  To suffer and experience horrors and trauma’s?

Does that sound like an agenda of Source?

Or of dark beings?

Does that sound like a message of Source who wants us to BE?

Or of dark beings seeking to control and keep our vibes low.

Yeah.  That one is easy to figure out.

We are Creator’s who Create and Experience.

That’s it!

Ascension, our rightful return in frequency to Source.

We have always been Ascended Beings.

This is not complicated.

We are being flooded with photons and gamma ray’s which I feel are the frequencies of Love and Bliss.  They are the frequencies we once experienced before the conquer and matrix grid was put in place.

These are the frequencies where we are fully restored.  We create things in an instant.  We have full reverence for one another.

We live freely.

Love = Freedom.

Freedom = Love.

Again, it is that simple.

This is where we are returning.

I am asking people to reconsider beliefs around contracts and karma and reincarnation and agreements.  I canceled all that earlier this year.

And let me tell you ~ the freedom I feel inside since doing that ~ the empowerment ~ is awesome.

Again ~ Love = Freedom.

I want ALL OF US FREE.

 

 

 

 

I experienced something today that reminded me none of us are meant to experience life alone.  No living Being.

My child came through the door early this afternoon and announced there was something “strange” she wanted us to see.  I was zombified on the couch so her dad went with her.  Upon their return they both announced there was a dead deer, female, a block from here.  Neighbors had already notified animal control, who will be coming tomorrow morning to dispose of the body.

“Not the lone female I have been seeing around our neighborhood all year,” I said, putting on my shoes and heading out to ascertain.  With child in tow, we walk to where the deer lay.

As I approached, I knew it was her.  She was not more than a year and a half.  Two at the most.

I was a bit grief stricken.  I wept.  I noticed her injuries and noticed her right ear had been severed completely.  Likely hit by a car in the middle of the night.

I thought of the horrors of life, of humanity.  The cars we drive and how they can transport someone in need and thus save a life and take one just as easily.

I centered myself again and focused on what lay before me.

We gave her a blessing and I will not lie:  I asked Source if she wished to return to her body, to make it so ~ if I could help, guide me.  I knew she had already passed though and had no need or desire to return.

It was quite a teachable moment for our girl.  And to be honest, for me as well.  We have seen dead birds and mice in our yard.  But never a deer.  A deer somehow takes on a whole new meaning, you know?  A wisdom.  Is it because of the size?  Or just a knowing?

I don’t know.

I just know this deer, this young female, who we have seen around our area all year, far too young to leave this earth, had been killed, obviously traumatically.

Standing there like some silly looking human, watching over this young deer’s body, I had the thought:  If she had had a family, siblings, deer friends, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

The world is not always so friendly.

We need one another ~ not just to survive but to thrive.

Hence I am hoping these spaces I get into ~ of which I am in right now ~ where I just desire to be alone ~ are temporary.  Necessary for this marker on my journey.

For not only does the Human need connection, but the Soul needs connection too ~ whether that Soul be in human form or animal form.

For now, I did all I could.  After offering up a blessing, I returned home, took a towel (purple – my favorite color), walked back to the deer and gently placed it over her, making sure to especially cover her head.  It felt to me to be a gesture of respect and honor.  Who would want people walking by, staring in horror?  No one wants their last moments in this realm, in these bodies, to be looked at in such a manner.

Reverence.

For all life.

Where we have outgrown this “rugged individualism” illusion and embraced the simple truth:

We all need one another.

 

 

I cannot quite fathom this fatigue I am experiencing throughout the past several days.  Normally on sunny days like today, warm days, I find energy to go for one of my power walks.  Overall I have this continued desire and need to just SLEEP.  Naps daily lately ~ even on these beautiful sunny days.  If I don’t have a nap during the day I am crashed out on the couch after dinner.

My desire to “DO” is at an all time low.  To be around people.  Go out and about.

I did go out last night and visited with my Shaman Healer for the first time in person.  It was an amazing experience and I may write about it later.  For now I am feeling the need to keep it just to myself.  I can share though that my long-held desire to learn how to work with my own inner healer and the energy that comes from my hands seems to have been met. After being told by Reiki Practitioners that the Reiki Healer never receives energy, I was informed last night there is a method that uses a symbol for receiving and one for healing and is based on Mother Mary.  The Divine Feminine.  Not only that, the Shaman can teach me.

Very vaguely, early this morning, I was semi-awake and felt this amazing experience/feeling of bliss. I could “see” white warm light all around me. When I woke up fully a few hours later, I recalled the experience and felt the Schumann must be spiking.  Nope.  Nothing “significant” to report (3 days now).  Am I creating this on my own now?

The old system ways of paying bills and even now, cooking meals – those “rules” and “should’s” – again at an all time low.

After breakfast, I had some energy (some) and decided to organize an area of the house.  Cleaning up.  Clearing out energy.  Later on, sitting in the sun and just Being, I recalled the experience and knew – this behavior of mine is covering up the real need – the need to do internal housecleaning in my own Self.

I appreciated the insight.

And as I began to dig fatigue washed over me.  I just don’t want to do that at the moment.  I feel I am OK as I am ~ right now.  Whatever “stuff” needs to be examined and released can either be done at another “time” or be done while I am resting/sleeping – on its own.  Without effort on my part.

For I am desiring my life and my Doing’s to be effortless.

Much like knowing “must sleep now” – and my beautiful comfy couch is there, awaiting to provide me the support I need in that moment.  And much like now – the dinner on the stove is done – and my beautiful mate is there, to take care of it for me.  Providing me the support I need in this moment.

And so it is.

Much love.  Quiet.  Bliss.  Sleep.  Ease.

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Victoria

***

Thank you for supporting my words, my work, my effort, my energies.

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I am going back and forth today between knowing when to stand my ground, how to go about it and when to just let go.

For awhile now my inner voice has guided “if it’s 3D stress, let it go.”

And yet I also tell myself “Ok, I am still here dealing with these system inconveniences.  How much energy do I invest in them?  Will I be able to just be released from all of their influence by creating my own timeline?”

That is my hope.  My wish.  My focus.  Until it no longer is.

Today the system 3D evil was comcast.  As I told the csr today “if I had a dollar for every time I have had to phone you and point out an error you have made, you would be paying me right now.”

Energy draining experience and yet if I wanted voice mail services, that is the choice I had to make.  45 minutes later, I had a credit and the words “voice mail” included once again in my phone service option (which was an error on their part – it was removed when it should not have been). There is more to it than I am sharing ~ they royally screwed up on more than just the removal of my voice mail services ~ and the issue is being investigated on their end.

And so it goes.  The sun has returned after blasting rains and temperatures hovering around 48.  My girl was gifted an awesome microscope.  I am awaiting releasing a serious amount of anger energy tomorrow with my healing session.

I continue to speak my truth – out loud – and wonder if I am not digging deep enough for my voice continues to be raspy far too often.  Could be my deepest desire for telepathic communication to be returned with speaking words done gently, softly, joyfully with people I choose to.

For now, I enjoy the sun and will create space to take a much needed nap.

Physical experiences:  throat scratchies, itching on my sides, fatigue and an overwhelming tiredness accompanied with the words “I want the shit over and my freedom returned NOW”.

Freedom is, after all, more than just a state of mind.  That is, however, where it begins.

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Victoria

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I had another “glitch” in the matrix occur again.  New timeline.  Whatever you want to call it.  A neighbor of ours who in timeline #1 had just one dog, then in timeline #2 had two dogs (that was last summer) and now I notice has just the one dog again which makes timeline #3?  Or has #1 returned?  Or ??????

I really want to know is this part of this process of “exiting the matrix”, ascension or is this due to CERN messing with things?  A little of both?

Curious minds (that would be me – highly curious and quite commanding) want to know.

The Schumann is spiking somewhat but not like it was in previous days.  I feel that so much these days and much prefer the large, on-going spikes. I resonate with the frequency and have concluded I am not in alignment with the frequency of the lower ends and the corresponding systems that align with them (pay to live, competition and the like).  Today I surrendered myself to the truth that I have never resonated and never will.  And that is ok.  How to “BE” and “BE WELL” in this frequency that is still ticking/kicking is the quandary. Perhaps the answer can be found in the song I heard yesterday (and in my mind today on the way home) – when the world is running down, you make the best of what’s still around.

Well aside from that, getting out with the people today helped lift my spirits.  Refocused.  I meet with my new mentor next week for some new direction and guidance.  So very ready for a new experience ~ whether while still in this realm or the next.  It is time.  I am ready.

Love to you all ~

Victoria (the occasional wearer of the “grumpy” hat)

 

done with waiting.

done with trying heal myself.

done with trying to rest.

done with trying to keep up with financial demands.

done with trying to keep up with ANY and all “demands”.

done with all that is “out there”.

i just no longer care in this moment.

so there you have it.

i.  don’t.  care.  anymore.

phil will sing it for me…

 

Around 6:50pm, pacific time, I suddenly felt extreme dizziness, only the feeling was very unusual.  I almost felt as though I was lifted up, placed back down and could not find my equilibrium.  My mate felt it at the same time.  It took him longer to recover.  I’m feeling woozy contentment.

I remember looking at my mate and even though he was right there, he seemed very far away.

Quite the trip.  Anyone else notice this tonight (10/11)?