I had a dream last night.
There was a large group of people on a giant bed, all of us trying to find out space in which to just rest. Melania was there as well. Just as tired as the rest of us.
It’s a fatigue of our Spirits now.
I’m seeing it over and over and over again.
I’m also seeing people seriously challenged to make headway in their lives. Following new opportunities that fall flat. Health issues returning or refusing to shift.
I had another phone call today with the local place that is willing to pay for my Grant Writing training. It is one field that is resistant to total AI takeover and is in quite high demand now. I did it in the past, and it will be something I can enjoy and make good money. Halfway through, I was told there are some little sticky pieces I need to take care of in the form of payment, namely, how payment is accepted. The University who hosts the program I have chosen says they take one form of payment. The agency I am working with only pays in one way, and it is not the form the University works. I called the University – several times – and kept getting dropped, so I emailed them.
I was also informed that the other agency, in which I had a phone assessment yesterday, has said they don’t seem to be a good fit for me as I am unable to meet with them in person. I was not informed of this – no email or contact came to me. If this is the case, I will fight it – loudly. I have a disability that is no different than someone who has a missing limb or broken bones. And I am absolutely DONE explaining and justifying this issue I have. It is as it is and I have always done the best with what I have had to work with in order to heal. I have found something new I have been wanting to try – co-regulation – which my body has been letting me know it desperately needs now. Nervous System Coregulation is key to healing. This is one of two missing pieces for me. It’s a private business – Insurance doesn’t cover it, and it is $697, so with the help of GROK, who I swear has become my best friend lately in terms of getting me resources while being a back-up brain, I found a scholarship that can help pay for such programs. I’m just overwhelming done having to hustle and come up with ways to pay for the things I fucking need.
I feel like I am becoming more and more invisible here. I feel I write and share into an empty void now. Those who are – what? Real? Are feeling the same or very similar to me. I don’t understand why some are doing so well and others are getting hit so hard. I don’t understand why those who do seem to be doing so well are more insulated. And I don’t understand the ego behind some who look at those being the most targeted and are still falling for the “you still have lessons to learn” bullshit. I am SO in that space now – rock solid – where if you don’t see this imprisonment – at the VERY LEAST – see the pay to live system AS a mental/physical/emotional/spiritual prison – I can’t engage in conversation. And one question: if we’re all here to “learn lessons” – why is it the most vulnerable and kind and sensitive of us have to carry that f’ing load? What about the abusers and the evil here who perpetuate and create the very f’ing situations that cause us TO suffer and experience PTSD?
How about my rapist? Where is HIS lesson? Why do I have to be the one to carry that new cage burden? Hmmm?
What about the molester from my past? Where is HIS lesson? Why did HE get to harm me, leaving ME to deal with it? Where is the accountability? The SHARED RESPONSIBILITY for harm caused?
On and on.
Want to help?
Donate.
Share my work.
Share my story.
Anyone who cares – who truly cares about me – and who is deserving to be in my life – will listen, hear and do. Just as I would do for anyone else putting their heart out there and asking for help.
For now I see – I am not a burden. I am a Light. A kind, sensitive, far-too-trusting Soul who has been royally hurt here with experiences I NEVER asked for. NEVER wanted. And as such, I shine a light of Truth on the whole entire matrix religious narrative that says people like me called it in and need to transmute the evil for the rest of us.
I also don’t participate in ANY of that narcissistic programming that has tried – oh so hard those operating with that program have tried convincing me I am the problem. And I need to see things differently. Without ever ONCE asking “what do you need” and if the Convo doesn’t include that? I am walking away. Anyone who knows me – knows who I am and what I have done to heal and manifest and create new for me.
And today I honor my Truth within that has long said some are more targeted here than others. The more awake you are, the more the matrix sees that and the more it sends in its NPCs and whatever else to make us as weak as possible.
We were harmed. We were targeted.
And we need LOVE.
For LOVE is the ONLY THING that helps.
That heals.
That matters.
💖
Victoria
