After another wasted appointment with this local agency where things still are not moving, I lost it.
EVERY FUCKING THING I am doing to move on with my life is being blocked.
I put myself out into this fucking world and ask for some fucking love and God just to be SEEN because whatever is inside of me feels so god damn broken and worthless. I don’t even know why I AM STILL HERE IN IT.
I don’t.
I AM IN SO MUCH MENTAL ANGUISH.
Some people seem to have this luck. They put themselves out into this world (most of them are men, btw) – they say please help me – and WALA. People show up and help them. Time and time again.
I can’t do this anymore.
None of it.
It’s become more and more difficult to show up. To get out of bed. I have this giant hole in me. I’ve never. had. a. safe. relationship. Never had anyone truly have my back (not in the authentic way – no one showing up – I am an empty vessel who never had safe relationships growing up – I was either ignored, feelings and experiences constantly invalidated and dismissed by my parents and family).
I want to know what it feels like to be safe.
To know someone has my back. To know I can just fucking fall now and people will show up and help me get back up.
I am trying to do things that are hard enough for people who DON’T have this level of injury within my body and brain. It’s like I have opened up a little valve and wow – all of this rage and angst and ancient words are flowing out. “Put it in a safe container” I am told by “experts”.
There isn’t a container big enough.
I am losing my mind. I feel like all of that rage needs to be replaced by loving people – multiple versions of Jesus and Mary – showing up and just loving on me. Just holding me. Just listening to me.
HELP ME FIND FUNDS FOR SCHOOL.
HELP ME FIND A FUCKING HOUSE.
Jesus – SOMEONE has to have what I NEED.
Someone.
WHERE
ARE
YOU?!
I am very needy right now.
I don’t want to give up. But I want to give up.
Today sucked. Just flat out sucked. I also learned a friend of mine got kicked out of a church shelter – is in the hospital – has nowhere to go. She and her son. Victims of abuse. And the system? The system once again gives them the boot.
Because that’s the reality of life HERE. Not the reality of PURE LIFE but the reality of life HERE. So if you are in a peaceful living situation, safe, stable situation, count your f’ing blessings because some of us are not so lucky.
I saw this – YES, I thought. Y E S. But that something BIG that will HAPPEN better fucking positively impact my life and ALL of us who are broken, crushed drained, in debt up to our f’ing eyeballs (went to the store tonight – the price of meat jumped another $1.50/lb – I commented loudly on that – wish I could be a vegetarian but my body shrivles up unless I eat meat esp. beef regularly) and waving a million white flags saying ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH ALREADY.
