Headed out earlier to get some supplies for the house. I had been in a rather somber space, chalking it up to old stuff coming up to release as well as a collective whole, given what I read from other’s experience of today. The need to just reflect was almost overwhelming. I had given myself about 20 minutes to do that but I knew I had to go much deeper. Aaahhh, for an entire week away in a cabin by myself!
As we arrive at the first store, I noticed two couples walking past. I watched the one in front, arms around each other. The man, stroking the woman’s back. For whatever reason, the tenderness of that moment took over me and next thing I know, tears are in my eyes. I wanted to know their story. How did they meet? What was the reason for the arms around each other? What was going on in their lives?
I pondered the amazing ability of the Universe. What conspired to bring these two together? What has kept them in each other’s life?
Turning up the radio, I heard REM’s “Everybody Hurts”. This song always gets me. Every. Single. Time. Sitting in the car, ignoring my child’s “moooom come ON already let’s go INSIDE” request, I turn up the song and let myself go.
The words of this song, like these people I saw, show the tenderness of life. The vulnerability. The REALNESS of our humanity. Every moment, so fleeting, over so quickly, onto the next. How often are we fully in each moment? I don’t know if this couple was fully in their moment but I know I was full in it – from my own perspective. Like an unintentional peeping patty.
The image of REM’s lead singer enters my mind next. I recalled watching him sing “Everybody Hurts” on an MTV Concert in the 90’s. He was wearing his grandpa’s hat as a tribute to his recent passing. Suddenly I’m missing my own grandpa, who also wore a similar hat. The tears come. Hard. And would not stop. I tried to get myself together before going into the store. Was not happening.
Screw it, I thought, getting out of the car. I don’t care if I’m crying, who sees me. I’m human and I’m having a moment. Into the store I go. It was crowded ~ no one noticed my “moment”. Or if they did, did what the rest of us do and pretend we don’t see.
We get what we need. I’m feeling a bit depleted. Feelings of being used and unappreciated suddenly hit me. Shit. Here we go again, I think.
Onto the next store. I’m on the lookout for a father’s day card for my mate. I don’t see a single one that resonates with me. Most were sarcastic. Others so over the top. In fact, the entire holiday brings up nothing but obligation and pain. Don’t have a solid emotional connection with my father, try as I have. My own relationship with my mate is a challenge, given we’re both longing for a new reality, both of us feeling trapped in our own ways. It’s been a long, very bumpy journey together.
Why celebrate anything that I do not feel like celebrating?
So I walked away from the cards. Child is nagging me incessantly to look at this, look at that. “We’re here for you dad,” I said, giving her the look. (See how utterly boring my “real” life is? My inner world of stories and such is far more interesting!)
I finally picked out some chocolate, walked to the register. The clerk, a woman probably in her 60’s, is a lovely person. I always enjoy speaking with her when I have gone into this store. She asked my girl about school, to which my child referred the question to me.
“We home school now,” I said.
She holds up her hand and says “Well Mom deserves a high-five for that!” and proceeds to share her perspective on motherhood and moms who work in the home. I told her if I ran this whole show, I would give every parent who stays home to raise their child a stipend. She gives me a thumbs up and asks for another “high-five”. The most important job ~ raising a human being.
I thanked her for her words. She said she had a feeling I needed to hear them, words of appreciation.
Wow. Talk about the Universe arranging a beautiful, much-needed moment for me.
Who of us IS appreciated enough?
In this house we seem to focus more on what is going wrong instead of what is working. I have a feeling many households are like that.
Spouses. Children and parents. Couples. Siblings. Work relationships.
I know it is up to ME to determine my emotional experience. And yet, sometimes, like today, when I am particularly tired and feeling somber, an old issue or two rearing it’s head for further re-examination, sometimes it is helpful and healing, in some way, to have the change in emotional experience directed through another Human Being.
Through seeing.
Through kindness.
Through sharing.
We could all use much more of that.
