I don’t know – really – who all comes here and reads my material.  I can see who subscribes – who comments – who reaches out to me personally through email and other social media platforms.  But other than that – I don’t know if I have lurkers who only seek to get “info” on me – the local woo woo one.

Whatever on that…..

Going back to about mid June, things got really f’ing hard for me – for this family.  Nothing tragic – just ongoing pokes and challenges – one would get dealt with then another popped up making processing fully impossible.  Today – dealing with ANYTHING – I just can’t do it.  One new little “thing” and I close up inside like a vault.

I do the intending up and out my @$$ whenever I can think of it.  I reach out.  I ask.  I pray (I do A LOT of that now).

I am surrounded by people with too many degrees and too much money and therefore pretty damn sure they think we’re the stupid ones.  I honestly don’t feel like being the smiling neighbor anymore.  We are the classic “victims” of this system – which if you don’t feed it well – or engage in in the way it dictates – you get tossed out.  In my 30 years of wanting something different I have YET to find just one person in my physical proximity (other than my spouse) who is actually interested and WILLING and able to bust out and create totally new.  And I am weary.  I am just f’ing weary of thinking I will ever create that for myself.  Heck, at this point in my life, my body – and especially my brain – are too tired – traumatized – and compromised to do that in any way successfully on my own.  I’d need to be carried and treated like a 5 year old at this point.  I struggle to enter passwords some moments.

But this is all happening so those I (and some of you) are surrounded by can “see”.

Today – I just can’t.  I am part of the tribe now saying SHOW US.  I NEED to SEE now.  Truly SEE.  Energetically – my ability to carry this hope – this knowing – at this moment today – I simply don’t have it in me.

So may others can carry it for me for awhile.

That’s all I got.

Love,

V.

Yesterday “felt better”.  Lighter.  I think it’s that sky object that they are shining the flashlight on full speed (remember boys and girls the moon is never full or crescent or new or any of that b.s. – it’s ALWAYS THERE – it’s just not always “lit up” for these compromised eyes to see).  U G H.

Anyway – so my mate was reading some headlines to me and said this particular site he was reading from has headlines you won’t see elsewhere – and I felt this moment of NO and frustration.  I thought “why is that important?  why is it THIS or THAT site somehow has more cool stuff to read?”

When is it going to be all about MY experience playing out and YOUR experience playing out?!

Anyway…………there’s that feeeeeel……

Anyone else having needs showing up – the need for comfort – the need for a parent to just take the evil away and make it all better and peaceful and happy again?  That need has popped into my space lately and sometimes it is quite big and leaves me in tears.  Adulting here (the way we’re “supposed” to) has never worked for me no matter what I have told myself.  Not even the “put on the big girl/boy undies” aligns.  Perhaps necessary at times to keep going – but nothing natural about having to do that.  You only do that when evil is dictating how reality is.  WE create that on our own from the place of Love?  Yeah – never a reason to suck it up and be someone else.

The Schumann did its thing again – not quite as intense – but for the same duration.

That’s all I have atm.

Love,

V.