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it is difficult to determine if i am experiencing these incoming energies (reads below) or if what i am feeling is an accumulation of everything culminating into one big, slow, gentle really meltdown today – that is still ongoing.  body is moving very slowly – my ability to think and form a sentence a big challenge.  i did not sleep well last night – a very restless night.  worry about our neighbor, who has surgery this morning and will undergo another surgery in 2 days.  the cause behind his current issue is cancer.  then there was a family issue that triggered me – partly due to myself/not having the love and support i need and partly due to it being a potential real disappointment to my child.  i will be saying something if it turns into said disappointment.

Love does have a way of offering support during desperate moments too. we had a friend visit today.  he popped into my mind shortly after waking up and i thought “wow i could really use one of his hugs today”.  minutes later i receive a text from him.  when he came over he gave me an amazing hug – long and meaningful.  when i commented he said he had actually been studying on HOW to hug – with purpose and meaning.  yeah he’s a quick study because i felt a much needed sense of ease.

isn’t it interesting at times how others perceive us as compared to how we perceive ourselves?  he told me – as he has before – i have one of the biggest lights he’s seen.  he sees it in my eye.  i present myself as someone who has it all together.  focused.  up.  i had to laugh as i said that i don’t feeeeeeeeeeeeeel that way within.  i may present an image but inside i am screaming.  exhausted.  unfocused – at least struggling to find focus so scattered is a better term.

program taught me well – how to present myself to the world.  we’re all programmed to present a certain image.  what’s interesting – for me that is – is i have no real desire to hide my authentic inner self now.  i long to share and connect – and i do when the chance/moment presents itself.  i feel like a lonely little puppy who has wondered and searched and now needs a safe, secure place to rest until i no longer need such an experience – then i can go off on my own, tail wagging, and share and give and help the way i like and want to.  as i said – i feel my reserves are dried up.  i need to recharge.  

so these energies……….rather a new frequency – for these eyes that is.  i just had an image of a colander being shaken – removing all of the unwanted stuff.  given that is my current experience it would make sense to me that this is what these frequencies are doing to us.  whatever is going on – it can end now.  if it’s all a movie – we’re the “actors” in it and can have that choice.  there are some movies not worth watching and playing out.

in practical matters, we had a pretty big jump in the electric bill.  it became quite cold here – far earlier than the norm – and i had to run the heat at night – so i knew it would be going up.  still – when it arrives – the mind isn’t always prepared for what the eyes are seeing.  i’m absolutely done with trying to conserve and pinch and scrimp.  i do that as much as i know how to – we all do.  so unnatural to the inner Self who wants to live and be freely, unrestricted.  i am thankful for some return of more normal weather – sunny, dry.  we were supposed to do some yard work for our neighbor this week but that obviously has been put off for the indefinite future.  i understand the reason why of course – but when you are counting on making money and that chance gets either canceled or put off – and you really needed that money – it brings up – well – a lot.  anyone wanting to help – as always – it is appreciated.  deeply.  

here are today’s kapow’s and oomph’s….

love,

victoria

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this has been a challenging day.  our neighbor – whom we call “grandpa/dad” – had to be taken to the ER today.  it wasn’t a serious emergency but enough of one his doctor ordered him to go.  he was going to schedule surgery on his back – but today the condition was so serious he could barely walk.  we helped him finish getting dressed and into our other neighbor’s car and off he went.  last call we received he will likely be scheduled for surgery first thing tomorrow.

it’s scary.  i never do well with situations like this where i have no control.  on the outside, i look together.  i can talk about it.  i can take action when i need to as i did today.  but inside?  my heart?  my mind?  i’m anything but “together”.  he really is like family to us (and that is something that is in serious short supply in our life) and we’re all afraid – worried.  our girl of course is as well and we talked with her quite a bit today about what happened.  she had never seen her grandpa like that.  she asked the question if he was going to be ok.  i said yes i felt he would be – told her his doctor and surgeon really are the best around here so he was in very competent hands. however she asked if i was really sure he would be ok.

no – i’m not.  he’s elderly.  there are risks involved at his age.  i was going to tell her yes – i knew he would be ok – but i decided to be honest.  no – i cannot guarantee he will be ok.  but i did say the odds were overwhelmingly in his favor.

this just sucks – being human in this 3d shithole, ok?  when you KNOW all that has been hidden that could be released now – in just this instance – to heal another in need.

i’m f’ing done with this game of suck it up and pretend.

the political stuff reaching new level of crazy today making my mind scream inside.  had to turn it off – walk away.  the amount of illegal happenings now – why there cannot or are not arrests happening now and i mean now – tonight – of those violating them – i don’t comprehend that.  any joe/jane average person would have been locked away long go.  i’m not liking any part of this “plan”.

tonight someone local was expressing concern over seeing someone wearing a baphomet necklace.  the talk turned to satanism and i was appalled over how many locals support satanism – saying it isn’t what people really think it is.  and hey even chelsea clinton is said to be a satanist and she’s a good person.

jeezus wipes!  awakening happening?  not in my city.  not even CLOSE to an awakening.

i’m pausing now – laughing a bit – as i have been narrowing down a group of people to go see for claustrophobia experiences.  what do i say?  hey i not only feel stuck and overwhelmed in certain situations but i feel stuck in this realm and i want a COMPLETELY NEW experience.  not just a better version of what i have (although t this point i’d jump at that experience) – but a totally new experience of freedom and real connection and creating.

an experience where i can talk freely because we’re all at the same level of awareness.

an experience where i feel deep connection with others – with my experience.

an experience where ALL has been seen and revealed.

an experience where not one more being or entity is powering-over me.

an experience where – with our “neighbor/family” – we say hey no big deal remember?  we got a quick cure for that!

and no need to concern yourself with insurance or money because hey that was old 3D crap.

say any of that to a counselor and see the look appear behind the politically correct words that come out.  i’ve had it happen.

not that i’m bitter or anything.  lol  yeah – obviously there is that element to me.  i’m just absolutely finished with how i am feeling inside – the waiting – the frustration – the longing.  thoughts create your feeling experience.  i get that.  and yet – i don’t know what new thoughts to have.  anything new feels like a lie.

so i continue on as is – and as I Am.

appreciate healing thoughts sent the way of our family member.

love,

victoria

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