ok, me.  lol

i ponder these trigger’s.  we are to rise above them.  feel.  heal.  move on.

seems to be a part of the program here – keep the trigger’s coming.  we can do our best to heal – and yet they seem to be in a rather continual stream now.  convenient it is for others to say this is part of the exit – the transition – we have to let it all go in order to escape/get out (nonsense, imhf -in my humble feel).

and yet – no one can say that with any absolute knowing.  isn’t it possible we’re just getting some last minute poking by an energy that doesn’t want us free OF it?

i had a trigger tonight.  unplanned.  didn’t consciously seek it and say hey come here and stir up an old wound (how DOES one fully heal here anyway?  i have yet to meet one Being who fully healed/transformed themselves here – why is that?)

it began innocently enough.  neighbors of ours had a new car in their driveway.  the trunk sat open – for some time.  i thought it may be friends from out of the area as it had an out-of-state license plate.  finally i texted the mama and let her know her friends car had the trunk open.

i receive a text back saying it was a rental and her husband was going to a conference out of the area.  she added that her mother was coming out to stay with her (they have a 1 year old – who is quite a bright, adorable light i might add).  my first thought was “aaww what an awesome mama you have!”  (the mama lives on the other side of the country)

then i thought of my own mom.  a memory jabbed at me.

my girl was about the same age – days away from turning 1.  we had just moved into a new house – having been forced to move out of the previous one.  i was planning our girl’s 1st birthday party – just days away – and was also working diligently in unpacking.  my mate was in college at the time so i was at home most of the day alone w/a 1 year old.  and trying to unpack.

yeah.  lol

i was overwhelmed and needed help so i phoned up my mom and asked if she could drive down for a day and watch our girl so i could unpack.

she said she was not able to do that.  she had the ability – and the time – but said she just would not do that.  (still never did get a straight answer from her)  but she gave me unasked for advice by telling me i was being too picky and to just let the house be.

back then i let stuff like that go (kept it allllll inside – this was not the first time such weird disappointment has come from my family).  today i would call out this nonsense and express my pain.

so back to earlier this evening – the pain of not having such support hit me.  i have cried about this.  ranted.  raged.  cried some more.  done forgiveness work.  if it comes up i say nope dealt with this.

and yet here it was.  again.

mine to process?

i got an image.

a part of me – the part that is the “matrix me” – playing out these battles in here.  for a movie for THEM.

a ha.  it was a powerful image too – very visual (and i don’t get that many of those).

and i was totally able to detach from that.  and see it for what it was.  a stupid, harmful, ridiculous movie that was grossly influenced by outside entities.

and with that i said and could feel – that experience was not me.

powerful.  could feel myself rise up a few inches.

that being said – this detachment doesn’t stop the pokes.  i know that is simply part of the experience here.  i didn’t create it meaning i didn’t come here with the intention of creating so much crap, drama and b.s.  i participated – less and less the more i have awakened.

and so i do my best not to support it.  (who is my screenwriter?  i’d like to smack him a few times on the way out.)

i have said these words i have shared before.  spoken them.  written them out.  told them to myself.  and yet tonight – it lined up for me.  i was able to SEE it – maybe i even saw inside the matrix.  saw what THEY see.  i could sense their amusement at our struggles, suffering.  loneliness.  etc.  you name it – if it doesn’t feel good to us here and we get lost for a time in that pain – they get off on it.

something’s going on – with me that is.  a new level of Knowing.  i am feeling that is an indication we are on the cusp of the moment of the All. Return to Love.  Original.

next experience is one of Freedom.  i am seriously in this place now where it is Freedom or bust – and considering “bust” is something i have already done – i am opting for Freedom.

REAL experiences.  REAL relationships.

and REAL support.

love,

victoria

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