Oh, I’m sure I am wasting my time doing this – and I know my counselor would probably tell me to calm down and find center – but there is a storm raging in me – and my truth needs to be shared and seen. I don’t want to be in this storm. As you will see below, I take time every day to stay out of that space. But in it comes. EVERY DAMN THING I have been doing to CHANGE MY LIFE for over two years keeps. falling. apart. I cannot walk this storm alone. Seems the more I pray, the more the doors shut, the more I am bounced around. I mean Jesus doesn’t anyone else see WE NEED EACH OTHER? I’ve known this my whole life – NO ONE MAKES IT ON THEIR OWN. And I am walkin’ pretty much alone now, and I AM SICK OF BEING GHOSTED!!! NO. MORE.
I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND.
The pressure I am under.
I woke up – in a GOOD SPACE today – a first in so long – and worked diligently to just allow and observe any and all false self-talk and fears.
The matrix came in though, big time.
One with neighbors and their fucking workers literally throwing crap on the ground making loud thumps – over and over – sending my nervous system on high alert – plus tossing some of it INTO OUR DRIVEWAY and only when we SAID SOMETHING did the workers fucking pick up their crap.
With attitude.
Then my kiddo badgered me about how I should have vaccinated her.
AGAIN.
How this is child medical neglect.
’bout ready to just take her in – pull up her sleeve and say “DO IT”.
Let her deal with the consequences. (she’s almost 17)
I won’t, of course – but I am DONE WITH THIS CRAP from her. Which is why I SCREAM these days over waiting for FULL DISCLOSURE because for her, unless it’s on CNN she ain’t buying it. Well, some things that is.
Then my lame ass counselor canceling – AGAIN.
And fucking THEN a very important phone call I have been preparing for over a fucking WEEK with a local agency – which was scheduled for 4pm – only to receive an EMAIL (not a text – not a phone call but a damn email) – that woopsie she double-booked and will have to do our appointment tomorrow. SIX MINUTES BEFORE OUR APPOINTMENT. And I read it 5 minutes after our scheduled time – wondering why she was not calling.
This is the same damn agency who fucked with my mind all last year – their negligence caused me to lose out on a scholarship – without apology.
Without ownership (their assigned employee literally ghosted me for over a MONTH during a time-sensitive process – and my repeated phone calls, emails and texts to her, her supervisor, and the agency manager went ignored).
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?
And WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN PUSH ME AROUND?
At least I responded to that damn email calling out her lack of professionalism – 5 minutes BEFORE and she just realizes, woopsie I double-booked, tee hee hee.
NOT FUNNY.
And I told her that this experience was not surprising given what I experienced from them all last year: Neglect.
Gross incompetence and utter lack of communication.
This has been MY EXPERIENCE the last TWO YEARS as I have tried to REBUILD MY LIFE.
And to have my kiddo riding my ass on top of it is making me want to say FUCK IT ALL
buy a god damn van
and go LIVE ALONE.
And WRITE.
WRITE the way I want.
If ANYONE likes storytelling, PLEASE – PLEASE I BEG YOU – give my stories a chance. I am making a switch over from FREE buy me a coffee and putting it all on Substack – and asking for subscribers.
I have to do SOMETHING to increase my income – ASAP.
Just got another bank letter using the phrase “gross delinquency”.
I ripped it up.
I have been backed into a corner beyond my control, and unless Love comes my way from here. on. out?
My teeth are gnashing.
Without apology.
https://substack.com/@victoriat1144
And btw – just one – all month. Just. one. 😭
