I feel I am being written out of this place.
A stranger – a ghost inside this machine.
Getting blowback.
Pushback.
My mind can’t process nor handle much more. My counselor says, “Talk to me” I tell her talking doesn’t work. I need action. I need people showing up and helping me find work I can DO and bring in more MONEY so I don’t totally end up getting into my car and just living in it. Because I absolutely CAN NOT endure what I AM being forced TO endure now. That goes right in one ear and out the other.
I want to run off – run to – run away – I don’t really care atm – someplace remote and quiet. With a dog. I cannot take this slow drip – only because I have a daughter who is being seriously compromised because of the process – and I have this heartfelt sense of responsibility to keep her safe – but she’s wanting to just dive into the fire and it. is. destroying. my. mind.
I’m depleted.
I have headaches now (I never get those).
I was so desperate tonight – I called a crisis line.
Do not ever do that, btw. Absolute waste of time. Idiot kept asking if I was suicidal. After the THIRD time, I wanted to say, “You keep asking me that damn question, and I will be”. After 12 minutes, he interrupted, said it was time to close the call, and have a good evening.
No resources offered.
Nothing useful to offer.
How much are these idiots paid?? And where do they find them? They’re supposed to be LICENSED COUNSELORS.
So I guess there’s that election in Israel that is creating drama.
And there’s the Mickey Mouse Watch 10 10 showing up as a COMM with a military GREEN light deal.
Meanwhile, some of us are slowly falling apart – no support system – the only systems still standing are toxic as hell and completely contrary to my morality and value system. For the first time, I am afraid I am not going to make it to the end of this. I can’t take the pressure I am under. Nor the badgering. Nor the attacks. Nor the silence and unwanted advice that does NOTHING to help – all while being completely ignored as though I am a piece of snotty tissue, when I STATE WHAT I NEED.
I would simply disappear rather than live like this anymore.
I did have a theory on Jesus I got in the portal today – that he was the first go-around of the Awakening – but his approach was too gentle. People didn’t respond to the miracles he performed or the love he shared. Not nearly enough did that is. So instead of trying the “heaven” approach, they’re using the “put ’em through hell just enough” approach.
Makes sense, doesn’t it?
Enough HELL.
TIME FOR HEAVEN.
💖
V.
