Category: Daily Notes

i no longer know where i am.  this isn’t late summer.  this isn’t even early fall.  it is raining here and there is literally nothing showing up on the radar and all of the forecaster’s are calling for 70 and sun today and yet it is hovering at 60.  every day they change the forecast.  the sun and supposed warmth keeps getting pushed back.  if this is how it is to be in these final whatever’s – days – months – here – AT LEAST GIVE US SUNSHINE AND WARMTH!

all is changing and we are to just go along with this (that isn’t feeling ok w/me).  what about for those of us who garden?  those gardens are molding and rotting.

those of us who rely on wood for heat – we are being pressured now to buy wood a good 6 weeks before we plan on having to do that.  we only have enough for food now.  wood?  there’s also a light needing replaced in the kitchen and the dishwasher repair.  as i said – the needs are at a 10 and the ability to meet them – a 6 and getting more challenging.  the water bill jumped up again as did my cable bill.

what is the point in any of this other than greed and control continues to carry on.  WHERE IS OUR HELP?  right?!

i have no intention to be a part of a creation that “ends” like this.  not one bit.  freedom here?  my arse.

i “got” a feel earlier today.  the separation is real here.  temporary (hence “illusion”) – however it is very real while in this energy space.  we can all have a vast array of experiences but being alone in our feels – from our joys to our pains – we are alone in them.  that is why it feels so lonely – when we get real.  perhaps that can unite us – that experience alone.  at least be more gentle with one another.

it is understandable to me now that Rose calls “home” – heaven.

so……..obviously my mood is low.  energy too.  fighting off this cold continues so that makes experiencing here more challenging – lost a week of schooling so far.  this is a virus passed along to us as my child played at a friend’s house and they (again) failed to let her or myself know one of their children had been sick.  (WHO DOES THAT?  seriously WHO lets others into their home if someone is sick without saying something?)  so….my girl got sick – then i did.  no more playing anywhere until i have fully ascertained all are well and have been well.  i am done with that.

done with ALL that causes any harm.  my love and gratitude to all of you who support me and what i do.  that and love from my little tribe out here keep me going.

hear me roar for i am roaring fiercely today.

love,

victoria

******

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Everything here feels fake to me today.  Who we really are – even that is hidden from us.  We get glimpses of Who We Are – here and there – and we are encouraged to continue to remember – continue to reach for this seemingly never-ending carrot of who we really are.  If only a part of BIG US is here – isn’t it time to stop pressuring ourselves and each other to BE that Big Us here?

If this is a matrix – well – let’s view it as that and stop giving advice to one another and start SUPPORTING one another.

Starting with – what can we really DO to break free?  Seriously – what can we do?  Is focus enough or is action needed (as in what one does in battle)?  And I’m not just talking about being in a state of calm and serenity – I get that.  I am talking in a literal sense.  What can we DO to get out of here?  What can we do to be FULLY FREE to Create whatever it is we desire without anyone or any “thing” powering back against us?

For now I leave you with some song lyrics as promised in the title for how I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel within…..

“Breakdown”

i share photos and experiences here at times of the local people who are homeless and who simply no longer care.  they take and harm without impunity.  seemingly without care.

obviously no one comes into this matrix, in all of its games of power over and deception, wanting to give up.  wanting to harm or take and take and take.  most of us enter wanting to give love – and have that love received and returned.

that doesn’t happen for every one though.  obviously.

let me tell you from experience – it is a pain beyond words when you have reached out for help when in a crisis only to receive silence.  or just words.

people “fall through the cracks” not because by nature they are lazy.  this happens over a period of time and experiences.  pain accumulates.  neglected enough times, the heart rather naturally hardens.  the brain kicks in and says “don’t trust!  stop trusting!  do you want to be hurt again?”

for many that is a big “NO”.  as i explained to my daughter about this earlier today – i used a glass of water filled with water.  the glass was a human – the water – the energy of their pain.  when that cup is full – that vessel full of pain – just one little drop can be all it takes for the entire cup to spill over.

emotional vomit.  it is messy.  scary.

and avoidable with NEW.

i am discouraged over what i have seen happen in my city.  saddened.  afraid of having an encounter with one of these people.  avoidance of certain areas is the choice for now.  i see the mug shots.  i read their stories.  the “human” in these people isn’t registering in their eyes.  they have simply – given up.

how do you heal that?  how do you come back from that space?  and what can be done to facilitate that?

forced treatment?

showing dignity – love in action – would be like trying to talk to a wild animal who has been tortured by humans.  slow process – and most importantly – ongoing support.  consistent.  people take a lot of stumbles and falls to get into such a position.  it can take just as many stumbles and falls to get out OF it.

so while i carry anger and disgust over the safety of my own family – my own child – being in jeopardy in certain areas now due to the actions of others who have lost all sense of concern for other humans – i also know what happens to them can happen to anyone – especially those without a support system.

no one is safe here from being negatively impacted by the matrix and its systems.

and i get why sometimes it is easier to sell out and join in the “go get yours even if it means taking from another” creation.  not really different than what all of the corporations do to us, is it?  the only difference – they provide a service.  but the concept is still the same – i am going to dictate what i take from you.

something has to break.  give way.  relief is needed.  NOW.  as i say – there is no purpose in suffering.  no point.  no lessons or karmic crap.  nonsense.

we are One but not the same.

when are we going to start carrying each other?

love,

victoria

******

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ok, me.  lol

i ponder these trigger’s.  we are to rise above them.  feel.  heal.  move on.

seems to be a part of the program here – keep the trigger’s coming.  we can do our best to heal – and yet they seem to be in a rather continual stream now.  convenient it is for others to say this is part of the exit – the transition – we have to let it all go in order to escape/get out (nonsense, imhf -in my humble feel).

and yet – no one can say that with any absolute knowing.  isn’t it possible we’re just getting some last minute poking by an energy that doesn’t want us free OF it?

i had a trigger tonight.  unplanned.  didn’t consciously seek it and say hey come here and stir up an old wound (how DOES one fully heal here anyway?  i have yet to meet one Being who fully healed/transformed themselves here – why is that?)

it began innocently enough.  neighbors of ours had a new car in their driveway.  the trunk sat open – for some time.  i thought it may be friends from out of the area as it had an out-of-state license plate.  finally i texted the mama and let her know her friends car had the trunk open.

i receive a text back saying it was a rental and her husband was going to a conference out of the area.  she added that her mother was coming out to stay with her (they have a 1 year old – who is quite a bright, adorable light i might add).  my first thought was “aaww what an awesome mama you have!”  (the mama lives on the other side of the country)

then i thought of my own mom.  a memory jabbed at me.

my girl was about the same age – days away from turning 1.  we had just moved into a new house – having been forced to move out of the previous one.  i was planning our girl’s 1st birthday party – just days away – and was also working diligently in unpacking.  my mate was in college at the time so i was at home most of the day alone w/a 1 year old.  and trying to unpack.

yeah.  lol

i was overwhelmed and needed help so i phoned up my mom and asked if she could drive down for a day and watch our girl so i could unpack.

she said she was not able to do that.  she had the ability – and the time – but said she just would not do that.  (still never did get a straight answer from her)  but she gave me unasked for advice by telling me i was being too picky and to just let the house be.

back then i let stuff like that go (kept it allllll inside – this was not the first time such weird disappointment has come from my family).  today i would call out this nonsense and express my pain.

so back to earlier this evening – the pain of not having such support hit me.  i have cried about this.  ranted.  raged.  cried some more.  done forgiveness work.  if it comes up i say nope dealt with this.

and yet here it was.  again.

mine to process?

i got an image.

a part of me – the part that is the “matrix me” – playing out these battles in here.  for a movie for THEM.

a ha.  it was a powerful image too – very visual (and i don’t get that many of those).

and i was totally able to detach from that.  and see it for what it was.  a stupid, harmful, ridiculous movie that was grossly influenced by outside entities.

and with that i said and could feel – that experience was not me.

powerful.  could feel myself rise up a few inches.

that being said – this detachment doesn’t stop the pokes.  i know that is simply part of the experience here.  i didn’t create it meaning i didn’t come here with the intention of creating so much crap, drama and b.s.  i participated – less and less the more i have awakened.

and so i do my best not to support it.  (who is my screenwriter?  i’d like to smack him a few times on the way out.)

i have said these words i have shared before.  spoken them.  written them out.  told them to myself.  and yet tonight – it lined up for me.  i was able to SEE it – maybe i even saw inside the matrix.  saw what THEY see.  i could sense their amusement at our struggles, suffering.  loneliness.  etc.  you name it – if it doesn’t feel good to us here and we get lost for a time in that pain – they get off on it.

something’s going on – with me that is.  a new level of Knowing.  i am feeling that is an indication we are on the cusp of the moment of the All. Return to Love.  Original.

next experience is one of Freedom.  i am seriously in this place now where it is Freedom or bust – and considering “bust” is something i have already done – i am opting for Freedom.

REAL experiences.  REAL relationships.

and REAL support.

love,

victoria

******

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Earlier this morning, as I was standing at the sink washing dishes, I received a message from my “sweet spot” – off to the left and a bit above.  As always it feels close and yet distant at the same time.  The message came as a song, the lyrics “for you are beautiful and I have loved your dearly, more dearly than the spoken word can tell.”  I knew it was a Roger Whitaker song but it was still not one of those songs I hear in my mind and I didn’t know the title.  However, I knew it meant something.  The words immediately brought me peace, comfort and tears.

Later on, in the shower, I was tuning in and trying to feel more about what had happened.  Where did this come from and why was it sent?  I remembered what I had been thinking at the time I “heard” the words at the sink.  I had been sharing with my mate a message I read earlier online – one of our awakened sister’s encouraging those who are feeling like giving up – even taking their own life (I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE) – saying the compression breakthrough is imminent.  Never seen her share such a message but I felt she was Divinely guided to share.

The message I received at the kitchen sink came from Home and it was to bring me comfort and faith.  And I also felt it came from someone very close to me – there.  Big Me?  Someone else?  I don’t know for sure – but I have a hunch.

Providing me comfort and Faith.  As I have been saying lately to my daughter, “Faith is holding close to your heart the Hope of a vision you have no proof of other than how you feel and continue to feel and know.”

Back to the shower….as I continued to tune in, I felt and heard “If only you could see how beautiful you are.”  At the time I was spitting water out and so I laughed.  Soaking wet, fighting a cold and spitting out water – hardly the vision of beauty.  I felt humor come back and felt and heard “No.  Who you REALLY are.  You know what this realm has done to all of you.  Just know you are SO MUCH MORE beautiful than you experience here.”  (yeah so get us the frig out and restored already, right?!)

So then, I wanted to know “HOW do you see me??  I want to know – HOW can YOU see me but I can’t see YOU?”  (I am NOT liking that aspect)

I then felt and heard “think of the tech being used now by your president. We have the same ability.”  I then heard “looking glass”.  Hmm, a possibility, (at least something similar).  I then had the image of looking into this space here through a glass dome.  I then let it go.

Upon walking out into the living room after stepping out of the shower, I was guided to look at the television which had the Soundscape music channel on.  Here’s what I saw:

Yeah.  lol

For now I leave you with the song – and the words.  What an amazing, appropriate song for now.

Love,

Victoria

There’s a ship lies rigged and ready in the harbor
Tomorrow for old England she sails
Far away from your land of endless sunshine
To my land full of rainy skies and gales
And I shall be aboard that ship tomorrow
Though my heart is full of tears at this farewell

For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell
For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell

I’ve heard there’s a wicked war a-blazing
And the taste of war I know so very well
Even now I see the foreign flag a-raising
Their guns on fire as we sail into hell
I have no fear of death, it brings no sorrow
But how bitter will be this last farewell

For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell
For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell

Though death and darkness gather all about me
My ship be torn apart upon the seas
I shall smell again the fragrance of these islands
And the heaving waves that brought me once to thee
And should I return home safe again to England
I shall watch the English mist roll through the dell

For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell
For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell

******

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I’m feeling we may be on to something here.  Below is a dream and a vision from two of my subscribers.  Interestingly enough,  they both shared their experiences with me today – within just a couple of hours.

The Dream (in her words):  I Am not one for having earth shattering prophetic dreams, and have somewhat lamented this fact.  However, around 7am, 9-14, after sleeping almost 9 hours, I had fallen back to sleep and had a doozie.

my old blog – musings and observations – is still up.  i never took it down and i stopped writing/posting in mid 2012.  i went through it tonight – read through some of the old posts.  i have to say i was pretty prolific back then. my humor.  my candidness.  pretty much the same perspective today – just did not “know” as much back then as i do now.

anyway if you’re interested in reading some of my pov’s from 10 plus years ago, here’s the link.