I’ll just dive right in.  This.  Week.  Has.  Been.  A.  Doozy.

No sheot!

I spent about 1/3 of today crying and releasing.  At one point I tapped into something so old and deep, I had a small thought “what if I don’t stop crying?”  It was something I needed to speak out loud about to release.

Sometimes my regrets threaten to strangle me.  I’ve made some really less-than-who-I-am (sounds better than stupid) choices over the years.  I wish I had believed in myself more.  I use those mistakes to teach my girl ~ ALWAYS believe in yourself.  Trust yourself.  Be Courageous.

All those words I needed to hear and did not in my own childhood.

Exhaustion is off the charts.  Sleep issues have been all week (w/the exception of one night).  Intense itching comes up sporadically. Shaking. Anxiety.  Dizziness. At the moment, a headache, likely a stress headache. Strain.

I awoke today to see most of the internet sites I visit, including my bank, were down (including my site and hosting company hence no posting for today).  I phoned my bank to get some balance information and learned I had a fraudulent charge on my account, so I had to take care of that, reorder a new card.

In spite of feeling uneasy and exhausted, unbalanced, I headed out to get food.

While at the store, I had a panic attack.  I leaned on the counter and thought ok if I pass out, I pass out.  My chest felt heavy.  Of course I did not faint.  I refocused and was fine.  I checked in with myself. “What is going on?” I thought then felt “emotions needing to be cleared out”.

AGAIN?  Really??

Let me tell you, I felt I was in vice grips today.  All week actually, just building up for today.  Now that I’ve purged, I feel a bit more relaxed. Centered.

That is when I’m not feeling confused – a sense of unease.  Why am I here? What do I do next?  And the big one:  can I really have faith in all I have seen and felt for myself and my life?

Is all of this really happening?

Those are suddenly big energetic questions for me right now ~ and I’m not liking it.

I thought of the word “doubt”.

We have a lot of old false programming on doubt.  We are taught to doubt all that is amazing and miraculous, beautiful and hugely possible.

We are not, however, taught to doubt the crap and evil of the world.  The fraud.  The lies.  Oh, we put plenty of faith into all of that.

But to imagine something different?  Amazing?  Beautiful?

Dare I say, even Perfect?

Dreams come true?

No, you see, I began to know my doubt was old programming.

What am I here to do?  Accept the shit and live in doubt of anything different/better?

Or am I here to (help) break down the illusions so the amazing/beautiful/perfect can and will be ~ IS being created?  However I feel guided to do that?

Yeah, I will take that last one.

Don’t Stop Believing (feeling/imagining/seeing/knowing)…

Victoria

***

Thank you for supporting my work.  There is a new supplement I want to try for myself that I feel will help w/the chronic stuff I have been dealing with. It works by going deep into the cells ~ re-energizing (many of us could use that!).  I would like to get a bottle each for myself and my mate.  If you wish to help me with that, please use the button below.  Here is the link for the supplement if you wish to study it/check it out for yourself.  You have my gratitude.  [wp-svg-icons icon=”heart-2″ wrap=”i”]

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My emotions have been all over the place for awhile now.  I read lately that empaths may be having an especially difficult time now as we pick up on the energies of the collective.

Yeah, I thought, that is part of it.  But I knew something else was missing.

Earlier today I thought back to my childhood.  I loved to watch the NBA Finals as a child ~ that and the World Series.

I remembering feeling intense emotions.  For the winning team, I would feel chills.  My eyes would swell up in tears.  Emotions of pride and accomplishment were powerful within my little body.

Then I would think of the losing team and I would vacillate to the other end of the emotional spectrum.  I felt such deep sadness.  Grief.  The sense of loss and disappointment was huge.  More tears would overcome me.  Each emotion was so damn real to me ~ it left me confused.

I can remember watching certain news stories over the years of people who had committed crimes.  Even those engaging in the most horrible of acts, once they were captured, I would feel the flood of relief for the families. And then, I would naturally slip into feeling such sadness for the perpetrator.  The sense of regret and loss.  “What a waste of a life,” I would think, trying to understand the heavy emotions I was feeling.

I’m still this way today.  As  child I didn’t speak of it.  I thought I was “weird” for experiencing such strong and opposing emotions.  Today I know different.  Today I have a “label” and an explanation.

I reflect on the term “opposing emotions”.

Are they really opposing?  Or are they just energetic experiences that result when I sense emotions from others ~ all on one spectrum?

I could speak of this some more I am sure but for now I am EXHAUSTED from processing all of this emotional junk ~ that I know is part mine/in here – and part out there.  So time for some much needed rest and TLC.

Peace ya’ll.  I feel we are at peak point.  Relief, soon.

Victoria

I don’t know why I’m doing this.  I just feel the need to.

I’ve been thinking about this space in which we reside.  Gaia.  Planet earth. I’ve been calling it “this realm” for some time as it feels fake to me. Artificial.  I began having that feeling a couple of years ago and it has waxed and waned since then, only recently becoming a full-on experience.

The other day I had a feeling we have lived in this artificial construct ~ an earth-like planet on life support.  It’s a good simulation – perfect perhaps – until you begin to awaken.  The more – the deeper one awakens – the more “fake” this realm feels.  Can feel (depending upon who you are – obviously not all hold the same feeling experience/perception as I do).

It’s just something I know and feel.  The sun feels fake.  The sky.  Even the trees and plant life.

I know I have lived in a purely Organic realm.  Pure.  Divine.  You can see the color and life in everything.  The skies are a much deeper blue.  The sun ~ purely brilliant orange.  The trees are brighter.  Flowers, deeper and brighter in color.  Everything glows.  It’s a giant rainbow ~ every color spectrum imaginable ~ with our eyes able to see it all.  It literally feeds and sustains us.  This energy.  This beautiful pure untouched Divine color rainbow.

The more this energy feeling and knowing comes through me, the more difficult it is in some moments to still.  be.  here.

I no longer want to ground into this realm.  It feels heavy.  Dense.  It isn’t that I don’t send it Love.  I do.  Any and all things, natural and otherwise, who have been manipulated to suite an evil agenda of control has suffered ~ suffered… for ALL has been stifled to fully shine and Know and Be the Pure Divine ALL that each living being IS.

Seeing the end result ~ feeling the way all IS and WILL BE ~ while still. being.  here.  is.  very.  painful.  in.  this.  moment.

So while I am feeling this experience, allowing it, purging it, I also feel called to send a final message.

I am sorry.

I am sorry you were created and used as a lie.

You certainly are deserving of better.  Of full freedom to be who YOU are too.

What will be happening to you?

Will you be transformed?

Many of us do not “see” ourselves staying here.  Many of us have “seen” (and oh how we are feeling it!!) ourselves going to REAL planets.  REAL Universes.  Home whether that be in a space in which we once inhabited or in a space altogether New.

I hope you are transformed and allowed to flourish into something Real and Pure.

For every Sentient Being ~ regardless of how Created ~ longs for the same thing:  Freedom.

And that Gaia/Planet Earth/this realm is what I wish for you.

And I thank you for how you have sustained me and each of us for all of these cycles.

The time for resting, healing and liberation is now.

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Victoria

***

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Seeing all of these alternative, truth-seeking media/journalist channels being terminated by the bully in the room – in this instance YOUTUBE – sparks the inner rage of the Goddess who has had E N U F F of this shit.

Censorship is bad enough.  This is classic bully behavior ~ a behavior this sick twisted realm supports and encourages, hence the term “survival of the fittest”.  Let’s call it for what it is:  Survival of the biggest ass.

This brings up my own experiences, beginning with the most recent, which I shared briefly recently.  I did not, however, share who verbally attacked me.  It was my father.

This man has freely verbally attacked everyone in the family whenever he somehow deems it necessary.  And I have been the one consistent person in the family who has stood up to him.  Naturally he thinks, as a result, I am the one with the problem.

Isn’t a father supposed to cherish and protect his daughter?  Support her?

I don’t get it.

I know within ~ Victoria ~ why do you let this surprise you?  Hurt you?

My answer:  I just do.  It still surprises me.

And it still hurts me.

The bully mentality.  When someone disagrees with you, bully them into submission.  Or silence.

When you attempt to silence another, you are only showing your own unacknowledged fear.  You aren’t proving anything else.  Not one damn thing.

I also experience the feeling when the bullies my baby has been bullied.  The first one was at school.  This little shit bullied the other kids in the class regularly.  I was not made aware of this until one day I arrived to pick her up.  She ran to greet me, then feeling me hug her, she broke into tears.  I asked her what the tears were for and she sobbed “___ bit me!”

It was then the teacher came over, apologizing, telling me what had happened.  The kid just walked up to my child and bit her.  If she hadn’t been wearing her heavy winter coat, it would have resulted in a visit to the emergency room.  He bit that hard and held on as my girl screamed, finally releasing her when the teacher intervened.

Yeah, you can imagine the rage that stirred in me.  The mother of this kid was there and walked over to me, asking me “is your daughter the one my boy bit?”

“Yes,” I said.

I waited for her to ask if my girl was ok.

I waited for her to say she was sorry for her boy’s behavior.

I waited for her to say SOMETHING.

Nothing.

So I said “hopefully you will go home and talk to him about this so it doesn’t happen again.”

“Hmm,” she said, then walked away.

WTF?!

I suddenly had the urge to bite this bot.

It was then the teacher explained this was typical behavior of this boy.  He had the “inability to control himself”.  I was shocked.

“So then perhaps he should not be allowed to come to school until he is taught how to control himself,” I suggested.  Oh, they couldn’t do that.

I made it clear – this happens again – I am going to take action.  I expected them to make sure my girl was safe from such behavior.

That was reason number 145 for the decision to home-school after that.

Then there was the boy in the neighborhood who threatened to hit her with a bat, locked her in his backyard (as she cried) and called her names.  We terminated that relationship.  Did his behavior change after discussions with the parents?

Nope.

But it is the result of the public school environment.  Toss together a bunch of kids in one large space with ridiculously low teacher-to-student ratio and you’re gonna have those unsupervised kids doing whatever they want.

Public schools.  Just another arm of the system of enslavement and bully mentality.

And now we have people who bust their hearts, minds and souls exposing all of this getting silenced by the very bullies they are exposing.

And it only adds fuel to this abusive fire when the masses cheer when such forced silence happens.  I have seen this in my own experience as well.  At one point I was told people like me shouldn’t have the right to vote.  How scary a thought that is.  It wasn’t just said in anger.  It was said in truth.

Blind fools.  CNN could say to people with that mentality:  “New studies indicate that Organic foods are harmful.  Eat the foods with the GMO’s instead” and they’d blindly obey.  Goddess knows I have seen people I care about take the flu shot year after year.  Do they know what they’re injecting into their bodies, into those soft tissues?  Do they care?

Nope.  Because the bullies of the system have told them they do not need to worry. But when a truth-seeker says “hmmm I have some opposing information….let’s explore this” their cognitive dissonance short-circuits their ability to think, the results being mild and dismissive to outright rage-induced attacks.

Isn’t it time we GROW UP and out of this?

Yes it is.

Stop supporting the bully energy.

Support instead the Love energy.

The Freedom energy.

The understanding and openness energies.

The accepting energies.

It’s simple.

Be decent.  Be fair.  And be open to seeing a new perspective, lest you wish to turn into a mindless, stale life form.

And consider being supportive of those seeking the truth.

We share this realm with you as well and are as deserving of the same support as the “fittest”.

I had an awakening moment last night and into today where I not only saw how I created an unpleasant situation, but on the flip side I saw the power of my ability to Create.

How do I wish to use my energies?

Given the intensity of the incoming energies, our ability to create is speeding up – and quickly.

I took the space to dive in deep and acknowledge some old programming.  I also saw/felt the resistance ~ part of it I felt was matrix programming, part of it was simply a part of me that wishes to keep me safe and away from painful situations.

Well, needless to say this brought forth the tears.  Relaxed the chest muscles.  I awoke with the chest itching and heaviness again, the heaviness feeling like a huge weight of energy.  I knew it was something needing to be seen and released.

After doing some clearing, I was guided to remember to always return to the heart.

Always, in All Ways, return to the heart.

Even if the heart is closed up, keep going there.  Keep knocking.  Keep at it.

Remember who I really Am.  Not just in this life experience but in ALL.

That being said, for now I feel called to remember who I was as a child.

And to remember who I was when I was 32.  A magical year for me.  I transformed in so many ways Spiritually and from the heart, an intuitive told me I was “lit up like a christmas tree”.  However it was important to also keep myself grounded, she guided me.

That sounded boring so uh, well let’s just say I did not make the best choices after that.  And yes, even at 32, I really did think that sounded boring.  I was rather tired of being tied to the realities of third dimensional, linear crap.  I was flying high in the Spiritual Realm.

After making less than fully conscious choices lead me to experiencing situations I did not wish to experience, I became more locked into the lower realm of linear reality.  If I couldn’t see it or smell it, it was nonsense, more or less.  Distrust began to form and in time, apathy.  Thankfully I did have the occasional moments of trust and hope and wonder.

Creating more of those now.

So another reminder (my higher selves are so patient with me) to remember and return.

Remember ME.

Return to the Heart.

Always.

After the fully aware moment of agreement, I walked out into the kitchen, was drawn to look at the dish towel on the oven and saw an imprint of a heart.  See for yourself below.

Here is to our Awakening.

Much calmness and love~

Victoria

***

Thank you all for your ongoing support of my creations.  They mean so much to me ~ and they help keep me going with this little space in the cyber world.

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