Programmed Responses and Behaviors Plus Tackling My Sense of Separation

 

Earlier today I caught myself both saying something and doing something that I suddenly knew did not come from my own creation, but rather what I copied from others.

YUCK!

This is a growing awareness of mine ~ seeing even further down the programming hole for myself.  The feeling is rather icky.  I can feel these energy tentacles attached to me, much like Neo when he was still living inside the pod.  It is sticky and heavy and I want all that off of and out of me.

I had a conversation with someone who is so deeply programmed, when they attempted to dissuade me to drop my questions over an issue, I saw how tightly the most programmed cling and how passive aggressive behavior is used as one of those tools to keep the awakening questions away from their safe zones.

I have been there myself, although overall not very often.  I have always had this need to question and understand – KNOW – everything.  I was just too afraid to, aloud that is.  You get hushed up enough when young and lack encouraging adults around you, life becomes a solo journey in the area of awakening.

I remember as I entered high school, I desperately wanted to and needed to challenge every single thing these teachers of mine were passing down as “fact”.  I wanted to rebel.  Break the shackles.  Why did I have to sit in some damn hard, wooden desk in a stuffy, smelly room and be told I had to memorize (false) history dates, play sports I had no interest in, and learn how to cut open frogs.  Eat the crappy cafeteria food.  Have to tolerate the clicks, the gossip and the drama.  My adviser told me I would go much farther in life if I took more math and less writing (my passion).

Good thing I didn’t listen to the little twerp.  Talk about programmed.  All I wanted to do was cut class, be free, smoke a little grass and talk all things philosophical.  Which I ended up doing, most of the time, solo. I learned early to have solo conversations with myself, hence to this day I deeply love my own company.  A real gift given much of what I hear from others is how they fear being alone.  They always want someone around them.  Claustrophobic nightmare for me.

Which leads me to my next issue ~ the ongoing growing awareness of the pain of Separation.  I was writing about this a few days ago.  How do I fill up what feels like a hole?  Something missing.

Money won’t do it.

Connecting with others is never permanent.

And being of service to others isn’t the answer either.

Everything authentic comes from within.

It’s a paradox it seems that I can love my time to myself while still longing to “fill something up” within.  And that within space is about as deep of a layer as I feel I have.

My insight at this time is as I continue to Remember I will continue to feel the authenticity that is Me.  And remembering requires me to feel and release and heal the pain and rage I have gathered over the eons in what has been an experience in separation, which some say was a controlled agenda and others, purely one we willingly chose.

I’m sure by now most of my readers know which theory I feel is true.

That’s all for now.