Tonight’s experience

 

Today was one of those days where as the day went by, I felt more challenged.  Had some physical stuff going on.  And far too much drama in this house….  Everything just got to me tonight – I couldn’t take it anymore.  I sat out back an hour or so after sunset and cried.  And cried and cried and cried.  I just cannot think of anything different or new to do to change my experience.  Even tonight – my mate had a fire pit going and while that was something different to change things up – the experience we see every day continues.  And it is THAT in which I am at my “wits end”.

Local employers require masks – or the jab and I am NOT doing either of those – obviously.  Work at home has ended in a standstill as those opportunities require a dedicated quiet work space – and I don’t have THAT.  So I sat alone – crying – talking a loud to myself – feeling like I was losing my mind – needing a hero.  Assistance.  R E S C U E.

And I didn’t give a rats ass how “weak” or “spiritually incorrect” that sounded.  It is my truth.  And I OWNED IT.

The whole “go within to get out” is just another g.d. narrative.  I’ve been going within off and on for 30 dayem years.  I know every mistake I have made – every poor choice.  I know every time I have pretended something didn’t exist.  I know my “issues” and my trauma’s and all that.  And all along the way I have made every honest traditional and alternative attempts to HEAL MYSELF.  And tonight I reached this place where I knew – where I accepted – I am in the wrong environment to heal.  I am in a prison.

I am in hell.  And that ain’t just a figure of speech and it ain’t just about my own inner hell/prison.  L I T E R A L physical experience here.

And it feels more confining with each passing day – with each moment of crazy playing out.  Life has been a challenge for me all along but the last 17 months have been too dayem much.

So I sat in my chair – allowing myself to feel all of this……And I had a moment where I felt myself just surrender in this place of “this is who I am this is how I am and I know exactly what I need and I accept I feel lost – absolutely lost in everything”.  And as I did this, I leaned back in my chair in a moment of UGH DONE SURRENDER FUUUUU and looked up and saw something – a large round white object that seemed to move – seemed to come from the east and headed north.  At first I thought “this is for me” but immediately dismissed it as I did not need hopium.  So….Star?  No – way too big – and close.  Plane?  Yeah perhaps – but no flashing lights – it was very large, roundish with “jagged” edges all around it – like a field (looked like a flashing star).  Anyway I get out of my chair as it disappeared in the tree branches – walk all around my yard to look for it as I thought if it is a plane I will see it to the north (direction it was headed).  I never saw it again.

ISS, I thought – refusing to think it was anything special just for me.  I go inside and look it up – it won’t be visible in my area until the end of this week and at that – won’t be visible until the early AM hours.

I kept thinking back to that object I saw around this time in 2009 (July) – how it looked similar.  Could it be?  I don’t know.  It’s honestly too painful for me to open my heart and let that all in.

I shared the experience with my daughter and she asked how I felt when I saw it.  I don’t know – I did feel a slight feeling of “you are not alone –  hang in there – we’re almost there”….So maybe some hope?

I don’t know.  I will KNOW when I SEE and EXPERIENCE.

For now I remain in this experience – watching things play out – feeling I have absolutely zero control in the HOW or details – the only control I do have is how I deal with all of this – and even that now is a challenge.

So…..that’s what I got today.  Just wanted to share in case someone can relate.

Love,

V.

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