Category: Daily Notes

 

Today I had the experience again of feeling the pain of separation.  I’ve been wondering “just what is this Source energy?”  Can I define it or is it just something to feel.  I sigh and release as I say “I could really use some help in feeling this connection”.

I thought of the movie Contact where Ellie has met the other dimensional being (disguised as her dad to make her feel safe), who tells her “the only thing we know that makes the loneliness bearable is each other.”  That scene always moves me.

Who of us does feel totally plugged in?  I have had several moments that began back in 2005/2006.  Lately I am having them more.  I am taking that as a good sign that I am tuning in more.  Then I have moments like today where I feel this big “hole” inside my chest.  And wow – is that a painful hole to feel.  But feel I did today, standing in front of the mirror, hand on my heart, breathing slow and deep, telling myself it is ok to feel this pain.

Part of me said “no push it away I am not going there – too painful” but I gently pushed on and said “feel – I am safe.  I am not alone.  It’s ok.”

Crying and a release of energy followed, allowing me to breath normally again.  I was about ready to hyperventilate.

I began to ponder something I hear others say – of which I am hearing quite a bit lately:  Find your bliss, do it and the money will follow.

I then heard *that* part of me say “what brings you joy?”

What brings me bliss?

Hmmm.  I had some more time on my hands.  Child was outside playing with chalk so grabbing pad and pen, I headed outside to dig deeper into this question that has been arising lately.

I thought back to childhood.  What brought me joy back then?  Bliss?

Hmmm…

Writing?  Adventure and fun, yes but joy?  Not quite.

Playing the piano?  See above.

I kept coming back to the image of me being on my bike.  I am normally a very cautious person ~ but put me on a bike and I morph back into a 7 year old girl.  I (attempt to these days) do wheelies.  Jump off curves.  Ride with my legs spread out.  Pedal as fast as I can to get a great speed going. Maneuver in and out of obstacles, both real and imagined.

I was the same as a child ~ only back then we wore no helmets.  I remember being the first girl in our neighborhood who went over the all-boys bike ramp.  They refused to let me ride on it – so I waited until the boys were inside and then I had my own good time.

So I said ok I can’t really make a financial living doing this.  What is it about the experience of bike riding I loved?

The freedom.

The adrenaline rush of the speed.

Feeling the wind in my face.

Going so fast I was convinced I could fly.

But mostly – the absolute freedom.  To just be One with Nature.  One with the wind.  It is such a divine connection.  Put me on a bike and my heart smiles ~ especially when I bike alone.  Oh wow – nothing like it!

So perhaps it is a calling to get on my bike more than I do now – alone. Perhaps during this experience of being in the blissful state of NOW, more answers will come to me on this particular issue I am so ready to bury. Or heck, maybe I’ll gather older people, get them back on their bikes and take ’em on rides.  Create a class around that.  Rediscovering the inner child ~ on wheels.  Who knows!

Much peace and blessings to we the warriors as we continue along our experiences of remembering and healing.  ♥

Victoria

Your donations of support are gratefully and humbly appreciated.  

[wpedon id=”208″ align=”left”]

 

I feel very much like this image below today.  It’s been growing for awhile. Some of those same issues returning.  I am truly at a loss as to what to do about some of them.

I look at the biggest challenges facing my family – all of them solvable with money.

God, I can’t type that word anymore – not with the “victim” energy that is.

But it is the truth.  Like it or not.  MONEY RULES.

One can intend.  One can be in joy.  One can be in kindness.  In authenticity.  At the end of the day, money still dictates this reality.

And this girl can’t stomach it.  Today I push it away and say “NOT WELCOME”.  For far too long I have faced it head-on.  Took chances. Thought outside of the box.  Oh wow – been doing that for the past 15 years when an astrologer friend of mine told me the old way was dying and when it came to manifesting an income, I had to think outside of the box.  So I have.  And it has not worked out the way I have intended.

So today all I know how to say is say NO.  It is not mine.

Not today.  Not tomorrow.

Not any longer.

 

 

Well this explains why my little one just “happened” to pull up the jerry lee lewis song “whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on” given what I wonderfully experienced last night – at 1:15am – again (same bat time, same bat place I am going to begin to say).

I had been asleep, after doing a meditation with Higher Self (who told me, briefly, “she” was busy in the higher realms helping with planetary grid work and I needn’t worry myself about “helping” or doing anything different).  I woke up with a jolt, feeling the entire bed rumbling then I began to do the usual trembling all over.  Lasted for several minutes.  I did the usual.  Breathed it in.  Felt some blocks.  Visualized areas that are still needing some focus/attention/loving care to release.  Of which I am feeling this today (a wee bit emotional/triggered at the moment).  Yeah, had a big major tantrum until I just kinda had to laugh at myself and say “seriously, girl ~ aren’t we tired of these experiences?  Let it goooooo.”

Then I did some deep breathing, some tapping.

(Then later on received an e-mail newsletter talking about tantrum’s during these times and doing EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping – to help.  I will share info later on that in case anyone is interested and/or unfamiliar with the process.)

This followed last night’s 10pm sudden feeling of “UGH” – body pain all over.  Heat.  Comfort.  Warm tea.  Soothing myself until I found some relief.

So after the shakin’…..  I returned to a deep sleep.  Awoke at 3:30am to one of the issues – lying there in bed – pondering – ugh – finally surrendered as much as I could.  Tummy rumbling. Got up around 5am – I simply couldn’t sleep – must eat now – went to the refrig – grabbed half a banana, some bread, water and some of my little one’s chocolate pudding. Aaahhh.  Some relief.  Returned to bed and immediately zonked.

Feeling like a very relaxed zombie at the moment.  It’s been an interesting day for sure – feeling I am traversing timelines, one foot in, one foot out. Nap didn’t help much.  Feeling a rather sense of “blah” overall ~ which I read earlier is something many are feeling.  Late this afternoon we noticed two police cars pull up quickly in front of a neighbor’s house and the officer’s ran to the door.  She’s an elderly woman with dementia ~ has caregiver’s now.  Her son and his wife live next door but they didn’t seem to be home.  I don’t know what the call was about – no ambulance came and there was no noticeable noise.  The officers left about 30 minutes later.

I pondered unnecessary suffering ~ how just downright horrible it has to be to watch someone slowly lose their mind.  Cures for such diseases. Ways of Living and Being we are all worthy of needing to come on board YESTERDAY to put an end to this unnecessary sadness.  Such a heavy weight.  I thought again for the millionth time for the means to heal such people.  Life is precious.  We are surrounded by a plethora of elderly folks and feel like we are the “young family” in the neighborhood.  Visiting with my friend’s mom, who is another one of the neighbor’s recently, where she told my friend she had such an “amazing thing” happen – me visiting and talking with her.

Will be doing more of that.

The song “I can feel it comin’ in the air tonight” just went through my mind, so I will link that song as well as Jerry Lee’s shakin’ tunes.

The dinner bell is ringing so time to feed the family.  Get some fireworks for an fire-work obsessed child.  She digs those smokie worm-like things. And now apparently is covered in mud.

It’s all good!  Even though it feels so hard in moments and I feel like major crap.  It’s still all good…

 

 

[wpedon id=”208″]

 

 

I stayed up very late last night watching the last video I linked.  I also watched some of the other videos and checked around to see who they connect with.  Some things about their perspective just didn’t resonate with me and had me questioning my path.

Again.  The doubt crept in.

Argh, Victoria.

I began to question what I hold to be True in my heart.  Began to doubt my visions and the like.

There was this sense in the videos that overall, the journey out is very very difficult, if we even escape, as the message was many will not.  Much of the talk was on the dark controlling factions with only a brief mention of the Benevolent Beings who are there in the other realms to assist. Their belief is there will be two “armageddons” – the first one will harvest those who haven’t done their inner work (as defined by their perspective on how it is to be “done”), leaving them to the total destruction of their Essence ~ forever. Get it absolutely right though and you get saved in the second armageddon.

In my heart, I know, I feel the collective heart of humanity has been doing our best for eons to escape this reality.  I KNOW this.  And as such, there is no part of me that is Truth that says the above will happen.  I call absolute rubbish.

These folks have been in contact with other beings in other realms, many of them “dark”, since childhood so that raised another red flag.

I considered taking down the video I linked last night but for now will keep it up.  I may retract that decision though.

I know and feel that we have our own power. We are Divine Source Creators and it is US who create our own experience and the more we Remember our Power, those experiences change ~ for the betterment of humanity ~ as we are witnessing now. We are taking back our Power.  Remembering. Feeling.  Being in our heart space. Knowing when to just Observe, knowing when to take action with that Observing.

And damnit all, we are not alone in this process, in this Remembering, in this breaking-out!  I get quite fed up with hearing this “no one is here to help us” and “there is only one way ‘out'” and the like.  ENOUGH!

Love helps.  Assists.

I know to the Core of who I am that I am here for a reason.  A very “big” reason.  I remember my Oversoul encouraging the part of itself that entered my body sending the message “do not forget – remember – this is it – let’s do it”.  Those weren’t the exact words – if it was even words used at all – that is just the impression I received when I returned to that experience.

Is that programmed into me from the enslavers?  I have to offer up that question.  Taking it from a space of complete neutrality, complete observation, I have to say “anything is possible.”  And yet does that make it True?  I am quickly learning when something doesn’t resonate, quickly learning when it’s a fear-based program instead of my own Source Truth, which never presents information in fear energy and is what calms and soothes me when I am falling for the doubt – when I ask for further clarification. In fact, as I type this I suddenly feel a shift within.  I could really feel my Higher Self – more than I ever have – over my shoulder – guiding me, almost doing the typing for me.  Having a bit of an out-of-body experience in this moment as I type these words.  Just had to throw that out there.

So…..I am learning when the program of doubt kicks in, it comes from a certain space in my body, creating a certain feeling.  And I can say this about that experience – it is not there for my benefit.  Thus the experience of remembering my initial experience of entering this world holds True.  And I will not deviate away from it no matter how much programmed states of fear and doubt and hesitation wish me to.

As I mentioned, listening to these videos last night rather knocked me off my center – although not as much as in weeks and months past – which rather surprised me.  (*I am returning to this piece a few hours later – and given what I read today on another site I follow, I believe another “something” did indeed change and shift in the last 24 hours which explains my ability to return to center again easier than in the past.  I will link that piece next.)  Listening to something that deviated away from my own truth in that Now moment has had me rather (subconsciously at times – perhaps an automatic response) creating the experience of becoming depressed and apathetic, very much in the state of being the victim.  Totally dis-empowering and serves me NO purpose (other than a reason to stay in bed and reject everything “out there” – something I have battled for much of my life).  The couple in the video spoke of the hijacker’s ability to induce states of bliss within us to make us trust them. Good point.  And yet – just as we know with people, ok just as I know with people, if one is truly of Love, of Source, of Authentic Space, they will not attempt to control or seek to put their agenda on another.  While we can share our perspectives and encourage others to Remember by presenting information, you know the old saying – we can lead one another to water but we cannot – we must not – coerce or manipulate them into drinking the water.  Not if we claim we are acting from Purity.  That is our ego wanting to control when Source Heart Allows all to have their own individual experience.

When reaching outside of ourselves for assistance, whether it be in this dimension or in others, when the Being is in a state of Divine Purity, if your request is something they can assist with, they will.  If not, they won’t.  Never will they judge or coerce.  One would also be willing to answer any question you have without reaction too – if of Purity – certainly if it’s in a realm outside of our own.

I believe it is that simple.  It’s something I have learned through remembering my Origins on Gaia.  The concept of Sovereignty, inherent in all Beings who are of Source.

So what can we do to co-create this experience and help end this hijacked one?

Intend from our heart.

Intend to Remember.

Stand firm in our Truth no matter how much fear ripples through us.

And know we are not alone.  For every mislead being who has controlled us, there are far more of Pure Intentions who wish to help and are.  So let us intend more of them Now.

That is all for now.  ♥

 

 

 

Most of us have seen the Matrix.  We know the story of Neo and of his awakening.  Even once he has met Morpheus, he’s still inside the Matrix. It isn’t until he is literally unplugged from the imprisonment cocoon that he realizes the Truth.

I feel like I had a similar moment happen.  I don’t know why either, meaning I thought I was “more awake than that”.

I was outside with my daughter, looking at the clover in the grass.  I told her the story about searching for the 4-leaf clover, how I had not yet found one in this lifetime.  Searching for a few minutes, my daughter sighs and says “mom, maybe no one has ever found a 4-leaf clover.”

I told her many people have then went on to say how amazing nature is.

As amazing as nature can be in this simulation, I thought to myself, which was then followed by the thought “if nature is a simulation, maybe I am as well.”

I have yet to have that thought.  At least not to the extent that I felt that insight in my body tonight.  But it rather knocked me out of my body and left my mind searching frantically in its database for an answer.  Not gonna find the truth there of course…

My mate came out, walked over to me and seeing I looked a bit “off” asked what was wrong.  “I just had another Neo moment,” I said then shared what I had just experienced.

As I type these words, I feel this explains why I have been experiencing this growing feeling as though I am “split up” – with a part of me in one realm and a part of me here – and the remaining parts of Me feeling quite ready to “jet on outta here”.  I certainly feel it today – it’s as though staying awake – in the literal sense – in this 3d world is becoming very very difficult for me. If it weren’t for my duties as a mama, I would likely spend most of my time sleeping and meditating.  No joke.

How many “parts” of me are there?  For any of us?

Where the hell am I?  lol

Seriously wish to know the answer to that one.  Perhaps that is the biggest question of all.  I’ve been going down the “who am I” path for so long – maybe it is time to bring in that question as well.  It’s a mighty big mystery to me and I feel we are all collectively going to be knowing it All very very soon.

 

I have had a plethora of private e-mails from many of you today – which is very healing for the current state I am in.  Divine Timing (which I experience with many of you at times – it still surprises me – in a childlike way!)  I am so very much ready to be done with my issues surrounding money ~ about all I know to do is cry and surrender and ALLOW.  Dreams spoke of this very issue – and what I am experiencing seems to be of a collective energy nature.  Reassuring, yes.  Still doesn’t solve the issue though of course and that is the paradox in which I am left to deal with.

Anyway, just wanted to send out this (probably rather tacky) “thank you” as I am just not in the space much at the moment to respond personally, individually – as I try to do.  Your support and words mean the world to me and trust me when I say they (along with my girl) are what keeps me going, especially in this current moment.

Wishing you all blessings and sending heartfelt gratitude…  Will probably write more later once I get more clarity and healing.

Victoria

 

Tick tock, tick tock goes my internal clock, waiting for “it”.

It’s rather challenging at times to keep up this facade of being “ok” with many of the things in my life when I am so long past ready to be “done with it already!”  Paying bills.  Wondering what to do next/try next to heal some of my little health issues with such limited healing modalities and ability to access what’s available.

Some days I have moments I feel like Cyprus in The Matrix.  “Why oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?”  Of course I am more than pleased I answered that inner call of awakening/searching/remembering.  But it is a tough go at times – mostly because I KNOW how things once were and I KNOW we are returning back to much of what once was – so it is painful to walk around with all of this knowledge and ideas and watch the same ‘ole continue year after year, awaiting this slow-as-molasses at times shifting until All is revealed.  It’s like many of us were given the preview years ago – sometimes decades – and it is the waiting that can be the most painful.

This morning as I did my usual inner contemplation, I gave thought to the concept I had heard of/read about and felt – Gaia is being moved.  What I feel is really happening is this artificial construct, this simulation we are living on and in is failing and is being moved at the same time – being raised in frequency – so we can at last rejoin our rightful place in the Cosmos – our Homecoming with Original Earth – our REAL Gaia.

Typing those words moves me to tears deep within.

I’m now beginning to question if 5D Gaia ever really “went” anywhere but has instead always remained while the human species was moved to artificial constructs of lower vibrations.

I know the answers will arrive soon enough.

Current symptoms:  Bloating, nausea that comes and goes and other g.i. incidences.  Seems as though nothing is moving through me as easily as what normally should lately even though I am drinking plenty of water, eating fairly light.  Probably have a big purge coming up.  I began one this morning but, well sheot, the demands of a child sometimes have to take precedent.  Eating, etc.  When those moments hit, it’s hard to shut it off and call it up later.  It’s much easier when you can just process it all out at the moment in which the body intuitively calls it up for release.  When I hear others write of the issue of ascension saying it must priority #1 – no exceptions – I see none of them have small children.  Many don’t have spouses either.

In fact, I began writing this piece almost 2 hours ago – kept getting called away – and was in fact interrupted 14 times.  Yes, I counted.

Already did the “texting of mama’s to see if their children are home or available to play” without a response.

And I wonder why I am a bit bound up at the moment….

NEED.  ALONE TIME.  QUIET.  UNINTERRUPTED.

Until next time~

V.  ♥

 

 

Upon awakening this morning, I did a meditation.  I asked for a message my Higher Self wished for me to hear today.

I felt Higher Self sent an impression of “be willing to release your vessel”.

My initial reaction was “uh no I am intending on taking my vessel with me”.  The response was this sense of “Misunderstanding.  Be willing to release what you think of your physical vessel.”  (My higher self doesn’t really speak in words – but rather in impression’s – maybe even codes – that resonate through my emotional body and get interpreted by my brain and mind and words then form.  When I click with the message of High Self, I get the “a ha” moment.  This morning was no exception.

So…..Interesting message.  I began to think about the thoughts I hold towards my physical body.  The limits I still believe it to have among other programmed thoughts.

A willingness to Remember the abilities of my body (that are continually getting “ignited” again, for lack of a better term) along with the willingness and practice of letting go all of the old thoughts of limitation. The health issues I “think” and “believe” I have, in which thinking about them gives them power to remain.  Additionally, the focus I hold in giving more power to my physical vessel then I do my Eternal Higher Self, meaning I still tend to think my physical vessel is more “real” than my Higher Self.

So the journey to returning to Self continues.  ♥